Why that is not 'so gay'. Unless it actually *is*.

[nny]

So here's the other post I've been thinking about for a while. Reasons I will smite you for the kind of thing that the cut-tag illustrates.



I don't know how widespread the phenomenon is; I've had confirmation that it's current in America, and I sure as hell know that it's popular over here. There's this charming slang trend of late to refer to everything unfair or crappy or annoying or uncool as 'gay', and I find it fucking offensive. For the record.

As I've mentioned before, it's kind of swept under the carpet for the most part. I've worked in four schools so far, only one of which participated in the Stonewall campaign - the same school at which the head teacher allowed me to do an investigation into homophobia, after I had been told by my mentor that it was unimportant, irrelevant and inappropriate. Most teachers, if challenged on it, will tell you that the kids aren't being deliberately homophobic, they're using the word out of the context of sexuality. Most kids, if challenged on it, say 'I just mean it's happy, miss' with a smug little teenage smile of smarter-than-thou on their faces, the kind that makes such a tempting target.

A moment of academia, then:

"as Butler (1997) pointed out, locating or attributing deleterious meaning solely to a word/utterance advances the “notion that injurious speech is attributable to a singular subject and act”, when what needs to be examined is the underlying ideologies from which such utterances derive power.” (as cited in Macintosh, p37)

Actually, I'm just gonna copypasta a little part from my essay here:

“heterosexism includes attitudes, behaviour and practices that constitute heterosexuality as the norm. It describes a context that encourages particular stereotypes of men and women.” This is something that is prevalent throughout the curriculum, both explicitly and implicitly. Perhaps the most telling example is in the DfES guidelines for sex and relationship education, in which it says that “[t]here should be no direct promotion of sexual orientation.” (DfES p.13) and yet states as one of its founding principles that “[a]s part of sex and relationship education, pupils should be taught about the nature and importance of marriage for family life and bringing up children.” (p4) This illustrates in a very immediate way the concept put forward by Epstein & Johnston (in Epstein 1994, p198) that “[a]t its most general level, there is a presumption of heterosexuality which is encoded in language, in institutional practices and the encounters of everyday life.”



That's why, see, it's not something that you can explain to heterosexual people by saying 'okay, try replacing it with 'straight''. It doesn't work. Asked to go around calling things 'straight' all day will be a point of humour if anything, something that just doesn't have the same impact because it is not a frame of reference that can be shared.

The assumption of heterosexuality means that it's normal, see. It's something that is an overwhelming facet of your identity, sure, but not in a way that would make you list it off if someone asked you to describe yourself in three words. You only really need to define yourself using such a huge and unchangeable aspect of yourself if you deviate from the assumptions that people are going to make. (You might choose not to, and that's valid too, but not related to my point.) It's something that's been said a million times before - there is no straight pride day because that's every day, and therefore sexuality to the straight isn't really personal in quite the same way.

(Yes, there are different ways in which it is - there are always privilege slide-rules in these discussions, and I accept that. This just happens to be the point I'm making.)

So 'OMG that's so straight' ain't gonna have an impact. So again, how can you explain it?

Here's another attempt. Imagine you have a middle name. It's a family middle name, it's been passed down to you and was given to you when you were born. Now imagine that this name becomes a kind of code for everything in the world that is undesirable and inadequate and frankly shit. Every time it's said it's going to catch your attention, metaphorically flick you, remind you that there's something about you that isn't quite right.

It's a better analogy, but it's not good enough. A middle name can't carry the connotations that 'gay' does, can't reaffirm the stuff that you've been taught your whole life. And then, of course, there's the point that I can't change my sexuality by fucking deed poll. A middle name isn't going to alter the way that I live my life; I can just choose not to put it on job applications.

A middle name isn't something that I have had long internal debates over, that I've had to reassess myself because of, that people've told me would be easier if I chose not to have - that wouldn't tear at me in the same way when they told me that.

There is no satisfying allegory for this, because this is not a frame of reference that straight people share. It is the same as with any argument about issues in which there is privilege for one party at the expense of another, there will always be the Venn diagram of privilege - in which perspectives line up in some respects but there are things that will never be the same. If you are straight you will not understand what it feels like to constantly have something that I have fought so hard to accept about myself used as a word for everything you dislike.

So don't fucking do it. I will hit you.

It's not just a word. It carries weight. And my inability to explain that to 11-18 yr olds is one of the reasons I've been in such a fantastically awful mood, of late.

Comments

[pennyplainknits.livejournal.com]

I hate this slang. Hate it. Since my best friend got with her new fella she uses it all the time, even though I've repeatedly asked her not to. I think she reasons that, as I'm not gay or bi it shouldn't offend me.

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the only argument I've ever made that has worked has been "Imagine if people went round saying 'that's really Your Surname' all the time" using the most 'urgh that's so gay' intonation I can. And it still doesn't get over just how bone-deep integral a thing it is to have equated with all that is crap in the world. Rah.

[renshai.livejournal.com]

I've actually had some success with the middle name analogy in my Pathfinders group - but a) it's all girls, who are b) sort of by definition (having remained Girl Guides into high school) outside the mainstream. And on the mentorship scale, I'm way closer to "mostly cool" than "authority figure who demands respect".

Of course, none of them know that I'm bi (unless tomboy carries a different meaning now than it did when I was in school), and unless someone asks me a straight question, they will /never/ know I'm bi. Because I'm almost positive that particular revelation would jeopardize my position as a guide leader something fierce.

[saint-sorrows.livejournal.com]

I am adding you as a friend because I know Derek and you know Derek and that is how I role. Also I have been told you are 'riddick smart' so I'm going to bask in the glow of your awesome, too. Thanks for that. It's warm.

[saint-sorrows.livejournal.com]

Also yes. ♥

[minkhollow]

Mom has actually banned that word from her classroom, on the grounds that things do not have a sexuality and people's sexuality is not up for class conversation. I tend to want to smack people who use it, myself.

[sasha-feather.livejournal.com]

There is a program near where I am called GSA for Safe Schools (http://www.gsaforsafeschools.org/resources.html) (Gay Straight Alliance) that might be worth your time looking at. They have been doing a "words hurt" campaign; if you scroll down the page you can see some posters on "That's so Gay" and "I am not a retard".

(I actually have a slight disagreement with the way their poster gay poster is designed--
I personally believe that gay = awesome, and that gay is something more people should be wanting to try out, so if you are going to call something gay, clearly you mean to call it AWESOME, and I want there to be posters on school walls saying so.)

[ariadne83]

Yes! Exactly. Being straight I can't know how it feels to hear it, but that's all the more reason *not* to use it, because I'm not the one being affected.

Sharing time: I got into a huge fight with my husband over "it's so gay" at Christmas time, because he was furious about being given a glitter top hat in secret santa at work. I ended up making this long-as argument about how a) there was nothing inherently gay about glitter b) there was nothing inherently effeminate about glitter c) there was nothing wrong with being gay and/or effeminate and d) none of these had any bearing on who he was as a person, because it's a hat, not a tool of castration.

I've spent five years training him out of using that phrase, so hearing it again with all these other assumptions tacked on made me so angry.

[mezzo-cammin.livejournal.com]

I went through that very thing with my daughter a few years ago (when she was in her teens). She is not the slightest bit homophobic, or racist, or sexist. And yet. If something didn't suit her, she would say, "That is just so gay." I was baffled. I remember catching her in a mellow mood one day (not easy in the teenage years) and asking her how/why she connected 'gay' to 'bad' in her mind, and when she couldn't come up with an answer, she stopped using the phrase.

I do wonder how it got started, how it became 'acceptable' to her and her peers.

[crysothemis.livejournal.com]

It makes me so incredibly sad that this is still current slang. It was common in my school when I was a kid, which was, um, at least 30 years ago. It kills me that you still have to deal with this.

*huge hugs*

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

This. Yes. Exactly. I have actually trained all my friends out of using it and it got to the point at uni where people would say "that's so gay... sorry, Tora". But the fact that people have to have it explained to them that this isn't acceptable terminology is just really, really sad.

[forest-rose.livejournal.com]

You know, I have to introduce me to my friend who is a teacher (British, but just moved to the US) and bisexual. He is fighting this in class all the time. You would love each other. (I'm afraid he's married, otherwise I would so be matchmaking!) xxx

[batyatoon]

I hate that slang with a deep and abiding hate.

[mugsyface.livejournal.com]

I definitely agree with everything you said. My brother used to use gay as an insult until I finally smacked him over the head and shouted at him that if he thought everything was gay then he must be too. Needless to say, he isn't, and he stopped using it.

I used to overhear people using it as that way all the time when I was in high school and it always made me cringe and want to blow things up. Even now that I'm in college, I still hear it. And really? By the time you're in third-year post-secondary, you should know better.

I get in arguments about it a lot, and eventually someone always pulls out the "but YOU aren't gay, so why do you care?". No, I'm not, but I AM bigendered and bisexual, which I figure makes me part of the "gay community". I care because it's insulting me, my friends, and everything that's being fought for in the way of equal rights.

so there's my rant. I could go one, but I need to go kick something.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

I totally agree with you, and have for a long time. For all the hetro "normative" type stuff and because the wife of one of my father's friends, Erskine Love, and matriarch of a lovely family is named Gay. Yeah, that's right. Gay Love. Beautiful woman in her 80's. She had five kids just entering high school and college during the advent of AIDS, bless 'em.

[nextian.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to talk my little brother out of "you're a retard" and it's not going well. I haven't quite had the heart to come out with "you ... aren't neurotypical either, you know, that applies to you," but nothing else is working, because, as you say, it just is. not. personal.

He doesn't say "that's so gay" because he knows me. He is probably one of a minority at his SAN FRANCISCO LIBERAL MIDDLE SCHOOL. Fuck that noise.

[tammaiya.livejournal.com]

Ugh, yes, THIS. I actually managed to get the kid I was babysitting for when I was in high school to stop saying it-- but again, I was in a position of being somewhat "cool" despite being a semi-authority figure and I doubt he really understood the implications... and it probably wore off when he got older and I wasn't babysitting any more. It really is so hard to explain, even to otherwise intelligent people. They might stop using it, but I think it's very rare that they actually GET it. Although I think I finally got my dad to understand (not that he uses the word, but he didn't get why it annoyed me so much). The most success I've had is by saying, maybe it's just a word to you, maybe you're not using it in the context of sexuality, but where do you think it came from originally? When you call things "gay" and mean they're crappy, you're saying that homosexuality is crappy. You might not mean to, but THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, and every time you use that word as an insult you're reinforcing it, even if you don't mean to be homophobic.

Obviously it doesn't work on the kind of people who don't care if they say something homophobic, but for people who aren't trying to be offensive, it can get through.

[muji]

Come over and hit my brother plz.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Hee, hi! I... fear you're getting imbalanced looks at my journal - usually I dabble in the birdbath of the soul, without depth or intelligence at all. XD

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yyyyyyeah, I intensely dislike that attitude - I get the same thing when boys make racist comments. I'm not of colour, so why does it bother me? It makes me despair of humanity sometimes.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I'll try that; they still won't get it, but at least it'll give an illustration.

*sighs*

People're crap.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I'm way closer to "mostly cool" than "authority figure who demands respect".

Hee, me too, but I find it kind of sad that kids refuse to listen to authority figures sometimes. I mean, I recognise that there are some complete numptys out there, but there are also some very cool old people who're worth listening to. I guess you get more able to recognise that as you get older.

And I understand on the not hiding it but not deliberately revealing it either; I'm in the same position. I don't make a secret of it, I wear my pride band most of the time, but at the same time... well, I wouldn't tell the boys at school about the guys I liked, so why would I mention the girls? I'm registered as bisexual with my union, though, and my boss and most of my co-workers know, so I don't have the same job-worry.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yay your mum!

Tell her I think she's awesome. :D

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I like your perspective. Thank you for the link, I'll definitely check it out; it's not something I can currently effect change on - the school I'm in is... in a bad place right now, and I'm not going to have the time to get anything done on top of everything else before I leave in the summer... but maybe I'll hand over a bunch of paperwork to the senior leadership team just before I leave.

XD

[villainny.livejournal.com]

It's always an uphill struggle with these things. It's just so much a part of societal thought that being gay is wrong and demeaning and faintly grotesque. It's cool that it was an oddity coming from him, at least? :D

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Because it's easy to pick on the gay folks. People are a lot more aware of racism now, and there's this kind of awareness - among certain groups - that racism makes you Not A Good Person, and heaven forbid that you should be seen as Not A Good Person! Obviously racism still goes on, and a lot of it is the sly and insidious sort that really becomes hard to challenge people on. Whereas gayness is still officially disapproved of, so it's acceptable to pick on it!

Er. That was phrased really cynically, but do you get what I mean, at least?

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*squishy hugs right back*

I am so lucky, though, in that I have this huge accepting online community. I mean there are still people who... kinda like the slash but do not approve of Real and Actual gay people - because they are not poseable, and are sometimes ugly! - but for the most part I have this support network. I've never had a problem talking about my sexuality, because of being a slasher since I was 13, and I really acknowledge that this puts me in a really privileged position, and gives me a space I can rant about this. I'm kind of preaching to the choir - it's when I start saying this more visibly to people in power that I'm going to actually maybe make a difference.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've got to the point where some of my boys are trained, and reflexively snap 'don't use that as an insult!' when they hear it, and that's awesome, but I think it's more because they like me than because they get why I'm upset. It'll probably start up again as soon as I leave, and that sucks, but I genuinely do not have the time or forum to discuss it properly with them.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I approve of him in advance. Tell him I give him a psychic fist-bump. ;)

[villainny.livejournal.com]

ME TOO OBV.

I just train my little minions to tell people off for it and send 'em out in the world. I choose to believe I am creating ripples. XD

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I finally smacked him over the head and shouted at him that if he thought everything was gay then he must be too. Needless to say, he isn't, and he stopped using it.

While I approve of the fact that he's not using it as an insult any more, there's still the fact that... he's not using it because it's still such a big negative to him, y'know? I generally head more down the 'it is not an insult, it is just something some people are' route, which admittedly has less impact. :/

I get in arguments about it a lot, and eventually someone always pulls out the "but YOU aren't gay, so why do you care?". No, I'm not, but I AM bigendered and bisexual, which I figure makes me part of the "gay community". I care because it's insulting me, my friends, and everything that's being fought for in the way of equal rights.

That's why I sometimes feel it's easier to refer to myself as queer, because that allows me to be part of the community without having to fit into a particular box within it, y'know?

Thank you for the rant. It's good to hear. :D

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I had a friend who knew a woman called Gay Nutt. Also unhelpful. XD

[villainny.livejournal.com]

:/ that makes me sad. I kind of hold out hope that there are places out there that're a little safer from these things, and SF was one of those. I'm still totally visiting. XD

And yeah, retard isn't actually one that comes up a lot in my school, but if it did I would challenge the HELL out of it. Likewise any time I hear anything racist. It bugs the hell out of me that so much of their language is about making someone else feel smaller/unwanted.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

The most success I've had is by saying, maybe it's just a word to you, maybe you're not using it in the context of sexuality, but where do you think it came from originally? When you call things "gay" and mean they're crappy, you're saying that homosexuality is crappy. You might not mean to, but THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, and every time you use that word as an insult you're reinforcing it, even if you don't mean to be homophobic.

This, exactly. The thing is, the kids at school are not offered any positive aspects of homosexuality. They're not taught about how to respect women, either. When asked about their ideal partner, the citizenship teacher wrote 'big boobs' on the board so they could spell it, without once challenging their reasoning. It's just the teachers don't want to get into these discussions, so there are few positive female role models taught about, few black people, and so on. It's just so damn LAZY it makes me spit.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

OKAY!

[mezzo-cammin.livejournal.com]

I do get what you're saying, sadly.

[crysothemis.livejournal.com]

I am glad that you have support online, so very glad. But it doesn't mean you're not facing a hostile work environment.

Draw your strength where you need it. There's nothing wrong with preaching to the choir, especially not if it helps to give you strength or clarity or even just hugs.

*hugs*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

OMG I LOVE THAT ICON SO MUCH.

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming*