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Sep. 20th, 2014 10:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyDilemma.
So I started taking anti depressants again. And it's... shit, man, it's weird not having this baseline of anxious and viciously reflexive self hatred. Good weird. It's kind of amazing to have this level of clarity and self worth. There were some initial problems with, like, dulled sexual sensitivity, and it took a while to become the master debater I prefer to be, but that's better, if not fixed.
Problem - it's removed my sense of urgency, and it's removed any inclination to write. It hasn't stopped me coming up with stories entirely, there's this awesome Merlin AU that's poking me, but there is absolutely nothing aside from a wry detached sense that people will probably forget about me entirely if I don't bother, but that's okay.
It's not just fiction, I've also stopped writing in my journal, posting here, doing morning pages, updating Facebook... I guess it doesn't say much good about where I've rooted my writing, habitually.
I don't know. I don't know. Decisions.
In other news I'm applying for jobs again, I have a line of tabs a mile long. I hate moving.
Oh! And I finished my dissertation! Did I ever mention that? I finished my dissertation. It hasn't been marked yet but I'm assuming no matter how bad my dissertation is it can't drag my high-60s average down below 50 and therefore I will soon have an MSc.
So that's nice.
So I started taking anti depressants again. And it's... shit, man, it's weird not having this baseline of anxious and viciously reflexive self hatred. Good weird. It's kind of amazing to have this level of clarity and self worth. There were some initial problems with, like, dulled sexual sensitivity, and it took a while to become the master debater I prefer to be, but that's better, if not fixed.
Problem - it's removed my sense of urgency, and it's removed any inclination to write. It hasn't stopped me coming up with stories entirely, there's this awesome Merlin AU that's poking me, but there is absolutely nothing aside from a wry detached sense that people will probably forget about me entirely if I don't bother, but that's okay.
It's not just fiction, I've also stopped writing in my journal, posting here, doing morning pages, updating Facebook... I guess it doesn't say much good about where I've rooted my writing, habitually.
I don't know. I don't know. Decisions.
In other news I'm applying for jobs again, I have a line of tabs a mile long. I hate moving.
Oh! And I finished my dissertation! Did I ever mention that? I finished my dissertation. It hasn't been marked yet but I'm assuming no matter how bad my dissertation is it can't drag my high-60s average down below 50 and therefore I will soon have an MSc.
So that's nice.
