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Mar. 18th, 2015 07:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyI watched an interesting TED talk on vulnerability by Brené Brown this morning. I have read one of her books before on the recommendation of the counselor I went to when I was suffering through my masters.
It relates to another issue of mine I've been considering lately, that of issuing invitations.
I don't do it.
I occasionally make general statements, issue open invitations, say 'let me know if you'd like to come see me' because issuing invitations puts you instantly in a position of vulnerability that I am not comfortable or confident with, because I don't believe I am worth the yes. Fundamentally, here, not like on a day to day basis - sometimes I am happy! But that is through ignoring rather than working through my issues.
The thing that I've realised is that this is ultimately a selfish act because it puts others in an even more vulnerable position, since inviting yourself to see someone is a more invasive and therefore fraught act. So I'm deflecting vulnerability and then using the lack of take-up as a way of reinforcing my own lack of self worth. Good job, brain!
This is more of an issue at the moment because I am attempting to date a lady. This is very very much in the first stages and I am deliberately holding myself back from making any decisions about it or even thinking about it too deeply, but I am gonna have to initiate events at some point, so it's something I need to be conscious of and work on. Mmm, clarity.
So... expect invitations, I guess? And don't worry about rejecting them. They will often be unrealistic. The point is the issuing, not the accepting. XD
In other news, I continue to have shitty dreams, I am having some small issues with accepting that I am a meat suit piloted by a small sack of goo and am therefore overly conscious of it at all times, I am attempting to settle into anti-depressants again, and I have numbers to call about getting on waiting lists for CBT but I haven't called any of them yet.
So, like, making progress, but from a position that feels further back and weaker than when I was just ignoring everything aggressively.
Ugh. XD
It relates to another issue of mine I've been considering lately, that of issuing invitations.
I don't do it.
I occasionally make general statements, issue open invitations, say 'let me know if you'd like to come see me' because issuing invitations puts you instantly in a position of vulnerability that I am not comfortable or confident with, because I don't believe I am worth the yes. Fundamentally, here, not like on a day to day basis - sometimes I am happy! But that is through ignoring rather than working through my issues.
The thing that I've realised is that this is ultimately a selfish act because it puts others in an even more vulnerable position, since inviting yourself to see someone is a more invasive and therefore fraught act. So I'm deflecting vulnerability and then using the lack of take-up as a way of reinforcing my own lack of self worth. Good job, brain!
This is more of an issue at the moment because I am attempting to date a lady. This is very very much in the first stages and I am deliberately holding myself back from making any decisions about it or even thinking about it too deeply, but I am gonna have to initiate events at some point, so it's something I need to be conscious of and work on. Mmm, clarity.
So... expect invitations, I guess? And don't worry about rejecting them. They will often be unrealistic. The point is the issuing, not the accepting. XD
In other news, I continue to have shitty dreams, I am having some small issues with accepting that I am a meat suit piloted by a small sack of goo and am therefore overly conscious of it at all times, I am attempting to settle into anti-depressants again, and I have numbers to call about getting on waiting lists for CBT but I haven't called any of them yet.
So, like, making progress, but from a position that feels further back and weaker than when I was just ignoring everything aggressively.
Ugh. XD
