(no subject)

[nny]

Heh. Okay. This is going to sound weird, I'm telling you now.

I have this memory problem thing. I believe I've mentioned it before. (heh). I have a genuinely terrible memory, which obviously does wonders for my organisation, but more than that; it actually means that I live in the moment to an extent that's ridiculous.

I mean, you've probably noticed how up and down my journal is from one moment to the next, swinging between moods daily if not hourly, and although my general mood is a little more constant than that I can be cheered up hugely by inconsequential things that take my mind off situations. Also means I'm useless in arguments, since I'm ready (and eager) to forgive and move on at the drop of a hat, and also means that I can't work with precedent because I can't remember.

Why am I talking about this now?

Because I feel like a fraud. Because I wake up a lot of mornings feeling okay. The sun is shining, the tank is clean... and I think holy crap, I've totally been making up this arthritis stuff, huh? God, I'm such a heartless fraud and should be shot at dawn! And I go around feeling pretty damn guilty about it all until a little later in the day when I'm sitting down because my knees hate me and massaging the hand that's seized up. And this happens every day I wake up and can get out of bed without hissing in pain. Even though I know I've thought this before.



I'd like this to be a problem I can fix, because it makes a hell of a lot of things more difficult, but I have no idea if it's a memory problem or an avoidance thing or what, so tackling it is more difficult than you'd think. It's probably one of the many indicators that I should really be in therapy. XD

Comments

[blueeyedtigress.livejournal.com]

On the other tentacle, it could be an indication of your general optimism -- it's okay now, so it might be okay all day!

And really, a lot of counsellors will take big bucks from one to tell one to "live in the moment, be fully in the moment, don't dwell in the past nor worry about the future".

(See? It's not a glitch, it's an undocumented feature.) ;]

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

But those are American counsellors, see. I go to one over here and they'll be telling me to suck it up, woman! Develop your memory if only so you can despise the Germans and have a proper and fitting sense of guilt for all the things you've done since the age of three! (which seems to be the only thing I can accurately remember, actually. XD

[innerbrat]

I need to sort out my therapy. Wanna be therapy buddies?

[liz666.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, if you're having trouble remembering things, it's most likely your mind trying to protect yourself so you don't get even more depressed. If you wake up and it's all blank ENJOY IT! and don't ever, ever feel guilty. I'm amazed how well you cope with it all. I'd have fallen apart months ago-I'm a complete wuss when it comes to non-recreational pain (:-P)

[venivincere]

I tend to think of these things as survival mechanisms. If you woke up every morning remembering every detail of the pain, you would never want to wake up again. You're in a fortunate position -- as long as you learn to take notes to keep track of the important things, let yourself be yourself and enjoy. You're here, you're valid. All aspects of you. Even if you don't like them. :-)

[kenovay.livejournal.com]

Also, you say things many, many times. In the same vein. It's adorable.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yes. I know.

(Shaddup).

XD

[kenovay.livejournal.com]

Especially when you're drunk!

:D

[blueeyedtigress.livejournal.com]

Hrm. I feel vaguely insulted, as Canadians do when called "American". I forgive you, though, because it seems that everyone outside North Am uses the word to refer to the New World As A Unit. (The secret is that the United-Statians commandeered the word American long ago. The rest of us, if pressed, are "North Americans". Heh.)

Perhaps you need to consider a move across the Pond, at least mentally? My personal experience is that guilt is the biggest sapper of energy and destroyer of self-esteem that ever was invented. But, yeah, the attitude to which you allude, all tongue-in-cheek-like, is a very 50's & 60's sort of approach ... "Suck it up" was certainly my early conditioning, and it's taken a lot of work to get past that ... ;]