nny | (no subject)

Quick message before we start: mum, if you're still reading my journal sporadically I'd really prefer if you didn't read this post. You can if you want, but I suspect you'd just get upset with me.

Everyone else?

This has been a really weird year for me, I don't think there's any secret about that. My moods have been swinging far further than they usually do, and the lows have been lower than I've experienced before, to the point where I've been... self-destructive is probably the nicest way to put it. I think it was a combination of long-term self esteem issues and the pressure of doing the course I've been on, since I've finally found something that I genuinely want so very much to do well at. Usually I can distance myself from my successes and failures to an extent, but this is future-affecting and potentially other-people-affecting, too, and as a result I've been ridiculously stressed over the whole thing. Which led to going to the doctor about the mood swings and depressive problems, which resulted in medication and further mood swings to the point of the doctor getting Very Worried and referring me to the local mental health team.

I've been keeping mostly shtum about this - even though it feels like all I've been talking about - except for a select group of closest friends. But I went for an appointment with the mental health team today and I've been told that I'm Officially Kinda Okay, which is kind of reassuring after the things my brain's been doing to me lately. The result of the interview was that they thought I should try some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which they think I can do as an online course in a kinda self help kinda way.

My health, my intelligence, my coping strategies are all okay, see. It's these bizarre patterns of thought that I've gotten into over the past 15-odd years that are the issue, and those are what I have to deal with. They're still recommending that I have counselling, once a space comes up at the GP, but what they said over and over again was that I seemed to have such a lot going for me.

And you know? I do.

I've got a supportive family, I'm fairly bright, I'm creative, I have the most incredible group of friends - both online and off - anyone could hope for. (Please note efforts not to say 'more than I deserve' - progress!) I'm doing okay at the teaching thing; my progress is genuinely measurable and my pupils seem to get on with me. I'm passing the paperwork side of the course so far - my assignment on homophobia has been marked and passed back to the university, so that's one worry firmly out of the way.

The key thing, I think, is that I'm starting to actually see a future in this. I'm starting to see that I might not actually screw this up. I'm starting to see a point where I might be able to be a Contributing Member Of Society, and I'm making decisions and trying to educate myself to a point where I can do that as well and as effectively as possible. I'm making decisions about my career - the first of which, small as it seems, was the decision to mark myself as 'bisexual' on my equal opportunities form, the decision to do a project on how my school could be more helpful to students that are questioning their sexuality.

I'm starting to feel more settled in myself, which is the main thing. And it's not half as ugly in here as I'd thought.

Mostly, in summary? I'm feeling better. I'm feeling okay. :)

Also, people who have friended me today, I'm dreadfully sorry that this is the first meandering thought-train you get to hitch a ride on. As soon as I've got some more paperwork out of the way I'll have more time for re-watching SG:A, and the Hewlett-squee will be renewed.

*grins*

Also, as a reward for not ducking out of the appointment I really didn't want to attend, I've bought myself barbie pink nailvarnish and a copy of Vampire Weekend's album. It pleases me ridiculously that the singer's name is Ezra.

(It's probably for the best I'm unlikely to have children. I would be a cruel, cruel namer.)