(no subject)

[nny]

Need a brain workout. Basically I need to do a Dibbler - draw a line from ME NOW to ME AS A FULL TIME TEACHER and patiently think my way along the line, think about what I still need to learn and plan and work out so that I am capable of doing that job. Because right now I emphatically am not, which is an admission that caused a few tears last night, for srs.

Just my brain keeps shying away from thinking about it because there is so much so much I have to do and I have no idea where to start. I can't even start thinking about it so how'm I gonna do it?

Feel mostly like there's a big fat FAIL stamped on my forehead. It doesn't help.

Comments

[liz666.livejournal.com]

That's so weird-you know what I see stamped on your forehead? 'POTENTIAL'. In really, really big letters <3

Drawing the line is the first step-acknowledging that you have a way to go is NOT failure, it's a sign of maturity. One of the early things you need to work on is your time management-I remember you recently started timetabling yourself which is brilliant. Keep with that because it will get easier the more used to it you become. Work on your lesson planning in your free time by planning mock lessons on the topics that must be taught and the topics you'd love to one day teach a class. Talk to your colleagues and ask for their honest advice of what you need to work on and how to go about getting further as a teacher.

I love you honey. For seriously, you are THE bomb and I'd kill to be in a class taught by you. *squishes you tight*

[gramarye1971]

This article about goal planning just showed up on one of the personal finance blogs I read. I don't know if it'll help with the perspective issues, but it might be worth looking at all the same.

*loff, in general*

[cathalin.livejournal.com]

I just started teaching last year, after lots of years working *very* demanding other professional jobs, so I bring that perspective -- this is my second (or third) career, depending on how you look at it.

Honestly? For the first few months, I came home telling my husband it was LITERALLY impossible. And it is -- it's impossible to do everything that you are *supposed* to do, according to teaching experts, teaching school, the administration, the parents, the students, oneself, etc. (For example, in classes the size I teach, it is impossible to truly provide differentiation for my Tag, sped, ELL, "regular" students to the level that would be right).

It's not you -- it's the job. Seriously. I've honestly had to let go of *some* of my idealism and learn that it's a matter of triage: what will get me the most "bang" for my time and effort, what are they things I *have* to do.

Having said that, of course there are ways to work better, smarter, faster, and ways to help students more. But any teacher who tells you they have it all mastered probably isn't a very good teacher, because one of the very cool things about the great teachers out there is they are *always* seeking ways to get better, improve what they do. A mind and heart for always seeking to be better -- that, in my observation -- is what makes a great teacher, and I work around some great ones.

One thing that *has* helped me a little is my school's "three Rs." It helps me stay focused on what matters, sometimes.
1. relationship
2. relevance
3. rigor

Again and again, I'll feel bad about how I've not taught something very well, and my wonderful admins will say, but you have number 1. If you can cultivate good relationships with students, you have everything -- they will do anything for you. NOT always, but when the chips are down. And they will learn because you want them to. Plus, at least at my school, relationships with functional, stable adults are something many haven't had.

Relevance is easy to see. The more relevance to their actual lives they can see, the more motivation there will be.

Rigor because they will rise to what is asked, and care more if challenged.

Have you read, hmmm, it's something like The First Year of High School Teaching? It's really good, tons of organizational stuff, etc. plus the "real picture" stuff no one ever tells you. You should check out some of the practical manuals like that.

Have you gone through a teaching program? I don't remember/know? If not, that might give you more confidence (though not probably much more in actual tools, honestly).

eta: now reviewing your post, I'm wondering whether I misunderstood. If so, *redfaced*. Are you feeling failish not about teaching, but about the steps toward getting a full time gig?

[naye]

No fail. Just Nny. Nny awesome. *snuggles*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

No, seriously, this is exactly right and exactly what I needed to hear. I went through teacher training last year and qualified officially as a teacher in the summer, but in order to complete my qualification I have to teach for a year which I haven't done yet - right now I'm a teaching assistant for a boy with language difficulties (he's from the Czech Republic) and behaviour difficulties, and a part time English teacher for some asylum seekers.

Last year, my training year, was probably the hardest year of my life; all of my lessons were expected to be planned and resourced from scratch, which my Uni mentors disagreed with when they found out. It exacerbated a tendency towards depression, and I ended up on medication and in counselling. It was hard. And I think what I found hardest of all was the way that it didn't seem that one got praised, one merely got told which particular aspects hadn't been included in this lessons. Where you had failed, rather than which bits got checks.

So. I am just so glad to hear that I can't be perfect, you have no bloody idea. There is so much that I feel like I need to learn, and my inability to meet every single expectation that I've taught myself (and been taught) to hold has been a massive drain and the reason that I find it so damned tough to believe that I can ever do this. I don't have a natural ability to be organised, and sometimes it takes me a while to train myself into things, patterns of behaviour or whatever, and it - I have low self esteem and a lot of self punishment, so it tends to result in me calling myself a hopeless idiot a lot.

Thank you. I'm gonna read through this comment again and I'll probably have more in the way of constructive comments/questions, but right now. Just, seriously. Thank you.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*clings a little*

Thank you. :(

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Seriously, anything like that helps because I'm just not (AT ALL) an organised person, and I really need to basically reformat my entire brain, so any instructions on how to do that are necessary and gratefully received.

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Much better comments than mine have already been made, but I wanted to agree with them, and also to say: honey, you are SO NEW at this. It would be staggaring if you already had even HALF of it perfect, let alone all of it. It's okay to be starting out and figuring things out; it's not an easy process, of course, but it's no bad sign, and definitely not an indication you're doomed in any way. And that's presuming there IS a perfect to get to, which there isn't. Perfection is not possible or expected from you (except by unreasonable people and yourself).

Otherwise I can only think to say that sometimes the simplest methods are the best - keeping with the timetabling, maybe doing prioritisation exersizes every week (i.e. writing lists of stuff you have to do, one list of MUST DO, then 'should do', then 'would like to do if possible'), maybe going to the library or something to do work if that helps. And we will still be here to help and tell you that you don't suck for needing to do those things, or for feeling overwhelmed and rubbish about it. *hug*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*squishes you back*

It's gonna take me a little while before I can even start working on this; I'm training at the moment in the fact that I am planning and teaching 4/5 lessons a week, on topics I've been given no resources for and based around a medium term plan that I've come up with myself. So it's definitely helpful being in the job I am, but it also exacerbates the feeling of uselessness because I'm doing a quarter/a fifth of the work of a full time teacher and I'm still totally exhausted. I guess I also have issues with my own personal student on top of that, but that doesn't exactly take planning - just a massive amount of emotional energy.

I'm just, yeah, gonna work on following the timetable and being consistent with my energy and time and see how I go. Just - man, why do I even want this job? It's frickin' hard.

[cathalin.livejournal.com]

And I think what I found hardest of all was the way that it didn't seem that one got praised, one merely got told which particular aspects hadn't been included in this lessons. Where you had failed, rather than which bits got checks.

This. It seems endemic to this profession. My theory is that teachers don't get much in the way of respect/valuing from society, and in return aren't very good at giving positive reinforcement to each other (ironically, since presumably we do it with students all the time!). I think one has to be very self-contained, grab onto the dribs and drabs of praise one occasionally gets -- e.g. from a student -- and pretty much give up on *ever* being recognized for the massive energy/heart etc. one puts into it. It's a "no news is good news" profession, sadly. I try to change that culture in my little way by telling fellow teachers if I hear a student say something nice about them, or see them doing something awesome, but it is not a part of the culture, at least here, sadly. Honestly, had I not come to this from other professions, and lived a lot of years, and had a buildup of self-confidence, I don't know whether I'd make it, for this exact reason.

And yay!! I'm so glad this was helpful in the slightest.

Ahaha, don't worry, in a regular teaching job NO ONE will expect you to create every lesson "from scratch" -- that's not even good practice. (However, I've found teachers tend to not share their stuff with you -- my theory is it's an environment of scarcity and they react with hoarding mentalities). Some teachers just copy textbook workbook pages every single day, but that *isn't* likely good teaching. But good teachers do that sometimes, and create their own stuff sometimes,or a combination thereof, whatever time/the situation requires. I find tons of stuff on the internets and adopt it/change it/morph it into something uniquely mine, plus also use some pre-done stuff, plus create stuff from scratch -- a combination, duh!

I'm going to find the name of the manual thingie, like a "for Dummies" that helped me a lot with organizational concepts...I'll let you know what it is.

Ask my husband! He says it now, too: "It is LITERALLY an impossible job. LITERALLY." Therefore, you must create (silently, to yourself, don't tell people), your OWN standards. And each year you teach, they will rise slightly. YEAR 1=DO WHAT IS REQUIRED TO NOT BE FIRED. Seriously.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Like I said, I'll be back with more sense later, but right now I just want you to know that YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE.