Things I've started to realise
May. 24th, 2009 08:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyI'm working through this self esteem self help book, I mentioned that, right? The thing is that I went to see the mental health nurse, and she (like the mental health intervention team people before her) seemed faintly surprised at how together I was; I can talk very rationally when I'm in my most depressed moments, and even laugh about it, which was how I got sent to the mental health team in the first place: it discomfited my doctor. But anyway, her conclusion was that it is first and foremost my self esteem that is the issue and that any depression I have springs from that and is not clinical in nature.
That was odd to hear - it was a relief, because it meant it was fixable without medication, but at the same time it made me feel guilty because of how much time I've spent fussing about feeling depressed on this journal. I've kind of come to terms with the fact, though, that this doesn't invalidate the depressive state I was in, it just means it sprang from a different source and must be dealt with in a different way. Hence the book.
I'm reading 'Overcoming Low Self Esteem' by Melanie Fennell, which uses cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to help you overcome negative thought patterns; I mentioned mental gymnastics yesterday, and it really is that. It's hard work trying to beat down the patterns of thought that I don't even recognise as negative a lot of the time because they are so very much a part of me. They're how I see my brain as working, which is true but not set in stone; or, possibly set in stone, but weatherable if I work hard enough at it.
I bitched a while ago about how I don't feel like I've changed since starting my LJ; while I see now that that's not true there are still aspects of it that I'll admit to, and the self esteem thing is a part of that. I have certain protections in place to keep myself functioning, and the problem with that is that while they protect me from the negative to an extent, they also very much prevent me from advancing myself, learning and engaging and feeling confident in relationships and all sorts.
So while I work through this book, there's gonna be a bit of me trying to feel my way into who I am and how I want to interact. I might make thoroughly inept meta posts, inflict weird/bad/immature fiction on you, argue and change my opinion five times as I learn more about what I'm talking about. All the stuff, basically, that I should have done at the start of my fannish experience and learned from by now, but didn't because I was so scared of doing anything that would make people reject me - dear god don't let them see who I am.
So hey! N00b warning, six years too late.
Slap me around the back of the head if I'm a bother; it'll help me to learn not to hedgehog, and to fight back about those things I need to.
That was odd to hear - it was a relief, because it meant it was fixable without medication, but at the same time it made me feel guilty because of how much time I've spent fussing about feeling depressed on this journal. I've kind of come to terms with the fact, though, that this doesn't invalidate the depressive state I was in, it just means it sprang from a different source and must be dealt with in a different way. Hence the book.
I'm reading 'Overcoming Low Self Esteem' by Melanie Fennell, which uses cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to help you overcome negative thought patterns; I mentioned mental gymnastics yesterday, and it really is that. It's hard work trying to beat down the patterns of thought that I don't even recognise as negative a lot of the time because they are so very much a part of me. They're how I see my brain as working, which is true but not set in stone; or, possibly set in stone, but weatherable if I work hard enough at it.
I bitched a while ago about how I don't feel like I've changed since starting my LJ; while I see now that that's not true there are still aspects of it that I'll admit to, and the self esteem thing is a part of that. I have certain protections in place to keep myself functioning, and the problem with that is that while they protect me from the negative to an extent, they also very much prevent me from advancing myself, learning and engaging and feeling confident in relationships and all sorts.
So while I work through this book, there's gonna be a bit of me trying to feel my way into who I am and how I want to interact. I might make thoroughly inept meta posts, inflict weird/bad/immature fiction on you, argue and change my opinion five times as I learn more about what I'm talking about. All the stuff, basically, that I should have done at the start of my fannish experience and learned from by now, but didn't because I was so scared of doing anything that would make people reject me - dear god don't let them see who I am.
So hey! N00b warning, six years too late.
Slap me around the back of the head if I'm a bother; it'll help me to learn not to hedgehog, and to fight back about those things I need to.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2009-05-24 08:14 am (UTC)*and then some more*
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Date: 2009-05-24 08:18 am (UTC)♥
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Date: 2009-05-24 08:40 am (UTC)Urmm, that is to say, that this:
So while I work through this book, there's gonna be a bit of me trying to feel my way into who I am and how I want to interact. I might make thoroughly inept meta posts, inflict weird/bad/immature fiction on you, argue and change my opinion five times as I learn more about what I'm talking about.
Is absolutely fine, and a very positive move.
*squishes*
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:38 am (UTC)Good luck with yours, too! I have to say the book is seriously helping me out, giving me a structure within which to make measurable progress, y'know?
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Date: 2009-05-26 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-24 09:40 am (UTC)This post pleases me enormously, Nny :) Good luck with it! I know you'll grind down those negative structures eventually; don't fuss about the time it takes or the messes you think you're making on the way. You're among friends.
GO TEAM.
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-24 09:49 am (UTC)This book you speak of sounds really intriguing and while I know it's going to feel like an uphill struggle up Everest to get through, I also know that you are already doing so fucking well. The point is exactly what you said-it only matters what the source of the depression is with the method of fighting back. I'm so proud of you hun <<<<333
Show us who you are darlin'. I've been seeing you for years and you've no idea how awesome you are!!!
I'm looking forward to the random discussions and weird opinions-it'll be fun!
*tacklehugs*
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-24 10:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 07:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-24 10:12 am (UTC)Do whatever it takes, love, and get it sorted Now, then you'll be able to live a nice full life making the most of your wonderful warm giving self.
Otherwise you might do what I've done and spend over 50 years going 'Oh what's the point, I'll only fail anyway." And the scary thing is that it's very easy to find people who will delight in helping you do that.
I'll continue to read your accessible posts and fic with delight.
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:42 am (UTC)It is never too late, sweetheart. I know it's bloody hard, though, and I know that it's harder without the amazing support I've had. Thank you for yours.
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Date: 2009-05-24 11:29 am (UTC)See, when I think of you, I don't think of you as having done any of those things, though I know how it feels to think so. My impression of you is a funny and lovely person.
I have the same occasional feeling of fear of rejection - enough that a couple of times of being smacked down by flistians have made me loath to talk about anything controversial until I've learned to argue a lot better, even while I know being such a shrinking violet is not in my best interests growth wise.
Funny story about my self esteem issues; my dad used to say to me, very angrily, "You know what your problem is? You have low self esteem!" It did not occur to me until years later that this is an unhelpful way of correcting said issue, and in fact, only made me feel less esteemy.
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:44 am (UTC)It's terrifying, arguing in public. I never engage because I don't trust people enough to forgive me after, to be frank, which I've always thought of as a failing of mine rather than theirs; my brain is ridiculous at times. Seriously, I think you're massively brave for having done so at all.
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Date: 2009-05-24 11:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 07:45 am (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2009-05-24 01:49 pm (UTC)Depression is still depression, whatever its cause. It's real, and your experiences are real, and it's not fussing to talk about where you are and how you're feeling in your own LJ.
You are bright and talented, generous and lovely, witty and kind. If you can work your way up to thought patterns that allow you to recognize even half of what you are, you'll be able to defeat this.
*more hugs*
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:45 am (UTC)You're amazing. Seriously. Thank you so much for this comment.
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Date: 2009-05-24 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-26 07:46 am (UTC)Thanks for the support, sweetheart, it means a hell of a lot.
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Date: 2009-05-25 07:25 am (UTC)I really hope you can work through this. From what I've read on your LJ you seem like a really wonderful, fun person. And you know, you shouldn't be worried about bothering people on your LJ. You should use it however you feel the need to. Good luck!
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Date: 2009-05-26 07:47 am (UTC)Thanks, darlin'. You're a sweetheart. :)
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Date: 2009-05-27 10:39 pm (UTC)I am in awe of you for pushing through this and just keeping going with things.
I really should have a proper look at my copy...