I can tell I'm gonna regret this when I wake up. Screw it. Welcome to my head.

[nny]

I have trust issues.

I don't like writing stuff. I don't like writing stuff and posting it and waiting (im)patiently for comments. I don't like having it somewhere so people can point and mock. I don't like the idea that people can show it to their friends and laugh at the idea that I think I can write. I love writing in chat, the back and forth, the give and take, the transience of it. I love instant reactions. I love that I can't look back over it and pick it to pieces and despair at its hackneyed phrasing and poor characterisation. I love manipulating with hands that aren't mine, typing endearments with fingers that are pretending, just now, that they don't belong to me. Incoherence due to lack of sleep just makes life interesting. Maybe I should save the conversations I have... but maybe that would kill it. I've found a way I can write just now, and I think I'll stick with it. It's why my snippets are always snippets- if I ever have to close something and open it again you can pretty much guarantee it'll never be posted. I drabble, I post ficlets, anything that I can type directly into the "update journal" big white box and click on 'post' and forget. Pretend I didn't do it. Pretend that no one's watching. Then there's not so much anticipation, and any comments make me squee and squirm and wriggle instead of being disappointed there aren't more. (Yes, I'm shallow. What of it?) I don't know how to beat this. I don't know how to stop trying again and again and again and again to continue where I left off, when the words were flowing perfectly and I just couldn't type one more thing before I slept but it was okay because I made notes on a pad, I knew where I was going, I had little phrases mapped out and didn't *they* sound stupid the next day? And delete, again. Delete, a-fucking-gain. I don't like writing stuff.

Why do I kid myself?

Comments

t'was ever thus..

[underlucius.livejournal.com]

i sit here gobsmacked when i get no response from things.

but i have to rise above it, get back to my original fiction (for which i get no feedback obviously! until its published.

sighing...

[vimeslady.livejournal.com]

I'm sitting here thinking I've got to comment and I just don't know what to say. You're one of my favorite fanfic authors. It hurts to see you be so hard on yourself. And I'm selfish and want you to keep writing and writing and writing so I'll have your stuff to read. But on the other hand, fanfic writing should be fun. If it's not, what's the point? I've recently been talking to another great writer who was putting so much pressure on herself to write that it was ruining her ability to create. She had to give herself permission to just walk away from the fic for awhile, and let her creative batteries recharge.

I don't know. I'm a fine one for trying to give advice. From all indications, I had a couple or three good stories in me and, once those were written, I haven't been able to create anything decent since. It just kills me.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the support. I think I will give up writing for a little while, though of course that doesn't include RPGs. *g* I am ever-so-slightly addicted to 'em.

Maybe I should attempt writing from 1st person perspective? I like getting into different characters' heads, that's the fun of it. And I'm very big on atmosphere, and stream-of-consciousnessy writing, and I guess that would work well. Maybe later- I need to just give up for a little.

Thanks so much for the kind words, though. You have no idea how much they're appreciated.

[tesria.livejournal.com]

*hugs hard*

I know a bit about what you're going through.

I always think I can't write. Looking back over stuff - even recent stuff - i've written can be a nightmare, I see so much I would change. But I try to remember that I'm looking at it with a much more critical eye than most people - you can always see flaws in your own work.

Other people tell me I can write, even so, I rarely get comments (except from meridian_star - she always comments; mostly 'cause I make her), but I've just tried to get myself to stop expecting them. So much easier that way. You should be writing for YOU, not for anyone else. It's the process of writing that should be fun, and if you really want feedback, email it to a friend you know. I'm notorious for forcing all my friends who are online when I post to go and read and tell me what they think. lol. I like to discuss it, to get lots of feedback on what to improve next time, and the more I write, the easier it gets.

If you don't like re reading stuff you've done, then once you've written, revised for basic spelling etc, had it beta'd and posted it - don't read it again.

I know loads of people who adore your writing (me included btw), and it would be a shame if your self-perceived (and only self-percieved) failings made you hate writing. Even if you never post again and only write for you, yours is a creativity and talent that shouldn't go completely unused.

Or, you could take a complete break for a while. You sound like you're having a real crisis of confidence, and while carrying on regardless works for some and gets them back into it, sometimes you just need a rest. Get away from writing for a while. Forget about it completely. For a week, a month, six months. Whatever you need.

I've said it already, but it bears repeating: writing should be about you, because that's the whole point of fanfic. You're not trying to get it done to a publisher's standard and their deadlines, it's all about you.

Oh, and those people who get arsey and "demand" that you write more fic/write a sequel/write part 74 of whatever fic RIGHT NOW - fuck em. They are selfish arses and need to try writing once in a while themselves. It's all very well to say "I'd love to see a sequel"/"can't wait for part 74!"/ or even, if meant as a genuine question and not a "hint hint, more NOW" comment, "when are you thinking you'll update this story(/write sequel, etc)?"

Can you see a pet irk here? Thought so. Ahem.

I've rambled enough/too much now. Shutting up.

Take care hon.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it.

I think I just need a break. I put pressure on myself even when there's no one asking me to write. I volunteer for too much and then beat myself up when I have to give up. I should just try to take a break from it all for a while.

It's great to know I'm not the only one, though. Cheers.

[jinxster.livejournal.com]

I feel I must comment here. The problem you have is the same one that's been killing me for months. (See my last post). I really thought I could write. Some people still tell me I can. (Vimeslady was talking about me, I believe). So why do I find it so hard? I'll tell you. You're trying too hard. And it'll stifle you. Everything you've said about the notetaking etc. I've done it. I've had my lastest story (Broken) planned out for months. The damn thing is well nigh complete, all I have to do is fill in some scenes. And yet, I cry at night because I know that as soon as I load Word, nothing will come. I drink too much because of it. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I just want it finished. But the harder I try, the harder it becomes. It's a vicious circle. And you know what? VimesLady broke me out of it. Walk away, she said. Give it a rest. And it's working. Listen to her advice. She may just save you the same way she saved me.

Don't stop writing, but stop putting so much pressure on yourself to do well. The pressure will stifle you, and no writer needs that.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comment- I really appreciate it. It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one going through this, y'know. I just need to take a step back, and sort my life out for a while. And stop signing up for bloody RPGs that suck in all my free time. *g*

[tammaiya.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. And it's always tough when no one can be bothered to comment. But the thing you've always got to remember is that you're writing for yourself. If you keep that in mind, if you always let yourself know that you're writing because you enjoy it and not because you want the feedback, then that helps you to keep writing. Feedback is still nice, of course, and you'll still be disappointed that you don't get more, but it won't stop you writing.
Another thing I find helpful to keep in mind is to remind myself that in the scheme of things, I'm still rather young, and so are you. Nobody expects us to be master writers; hell, we aren't even through Uni yet. In fact, I don't even start it until next year. Practice makes perfect, and the best thing is when people actually tell you what's wrong with your story. *shrug*
The main thing is to stop being hard on yourself- you don't have to be absolutely brilliant, and you're only going to get better, so try not to worry.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks, lady.

*hugs*

The support means a hell of a lot to me. I put entirely too much pressure on myself for no good reason, and I have to just take a step back for a while. Not from the RPGs, though. Hee. *is slightly obsessed*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

All I can say is that you are so not alone in feeling this way. *hugs*

I don't think I could have put this into perspective any better.

~TMP