(no subject)

[nny]

I just thought I should explain a little bit about who I am, about the way my mind works. Because I hate to say it, but this isn’t me.

It is, obviously it is. This is the idealised me, the me I’d really love to be in real life. I’m honest in my livejournal in a way that I would never even consider being to people I’ve known forever. There are a lot of things I never say, never do.

I have major issues with self confidence- I have none. I mean that genuinely. I’m half- wondering if you are all insane, wanting to read about me, of all people. I’m certain that the bubble will burst and you’ll come to your senses and ditch me. I trust very few people. I’m convinced that most of you are just humoring me. This is nothing personal, I assure you- I feel the same way about RL friends I’ve had for years. I’m deadly afraid of starting messenger conversations- I hate to be a bother, and wouldn’t want to inflict my company on anyone.

I have a tendency toward testing things to destruction. In real life I have a series of carefully constructed defense mechanisms to make sure people really like me. I wear unflattering clothes, don’t really bother with my hair, never wear makeup, because I’m worried that people only want me for the way I look. Unlikely, I know. I put myself down and tell people I’m crap because it’s easier on me than waiting for them to realise and tell me themselves. Even talking about porn is a defense mechanism, a way of undermining peoples’ conceptions of me, of keeping people at a distance.

Obviously, I don’t do well on the whole dating front. I secretly pity people who find me attractive, and think there must be something terribly wrong with them. There is a particularly persistent security guard at the shop down the road, and I’m considering changing shops because he makes me so uncomfortable- he’s not doing anything that could remotely be considered out of order, but the attention worries me. I worry that blokes are from an entirely different planet and I will never understand them. I don’t know that it’s possible for them to feel things the same way I do. I don’t know if it’s possible for anyone to love.

I’m bisexual, although that really makes no difference in my every day life. Someone once told me that I couldn’t know that until I had sex, which seems like bullshit to me- I doubt they’d have a problem believing I was straight merely because I hadn’t fucked a man. Which I haven’t, by the way. I am not a member of the GLBT society, I have never been to a gay club with intent, and I really don’t think I’ll ever tell my parents. This is partly because I’m pretty convinced I’m going to be single until I die.

I am strong, capable, can look after myself, but all of this is in quotation marks. It’s another defense mechanism- convincing the world that I don’t need anyone for anything. I hate people doing things for me, and always ask if they’re sure about three times before I will accept anything nice. Compliments just confuse me, and I’m absolutely awful at accepting them. I frequently have to countermand them with something bad, reminding people that I am shit, really. Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish.

This self confidence thing also explains why I can never get anything written. I lose all confidence between writing and posting, and tend to delete old things. This is why drabbles worked so well for me- anything I can write and post in a single session is okay, I can deal with that, but heaven forbid I should go back to anything and still think it worth doing. I have disk upon disk, folder upon folder of story fragments, ideas, plots that I doubt I’ll ever do anything with, because I know that I can’t write.

I’m worried how far this is going to take me. I can see myself ending up deeply unsatisfied with my life because I won’t let myself admit I want something more, that I deserve it. I don’t know how it’s possible to change things for me. I don’t know how to let people in.

I’m writing this on my flatmate’s laptop, by the way. A distancing technique. It’s not really me! This, I think, explains my love of RPGs- they are my coping goggles. *grins and hugs copinggoggles*

I now feel terribly self indulgent, for writing this. And I probably won’t believe it if you say something nice in return. I’m half tempted to delete it all now so *presses save*.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

I mean this in the nicest way.

[r-becca.livejournal.com]

I’m convinced that most of you are just humoring me.

I spend enough time humoring people I actually know in "real life". I'm not on the internet to waste time humoring strangers. So if I spend time talking with you or whatever, it's because I want to. I wouldn't do it otherwise.

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

We're remarkably similar, you and I.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

Thanks for writing.

I'm here because I want to be.

I actually laughed when I read this -- I hate to be a bother, and wouldn't want to inflict my company on anyone -- because that's exactly how I feel about interacting with you and the others in the game.

Your presence is a gift.

[ygrane.livejournal.com]

I love you just the way you are, my Nnychan. I always have.

I miss you.

[edg.livejournal.com]

It's possible that I care about too many people for my own good, but regardless, you're one of 'em.

I know what it's like to have trouble with self-confidence and self-esteem. If there's anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.

[quean-of-swords.livejournal.com]

You don't know me. So, I'm sorry if this is an intrusion.

But reading this was like holding up a mirror. I know most of the things you talk about right here very well.

Far as creativity goes, this one hit a nerve:

Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish.

I find that things never suck quite as much as they seem to.

Just a friendly hello, I know this song, too. ^_^

*~~Glynnis~~*

[friede.livejournal.com]

This (http://friede.livejournal.com/289263.html) has been in my hard drive for years. I put it up just now because of your post.

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

Wow. I bet you're going to get a lot of "We're more similar than you'd imagine" comments, so I'm hesitant to inflict another one on you, but, yeah. I've got lots of those same issues, and I wish there was an easy way to surmount them. *offers hugs instead*

And just for the record, I find you enormously clever and a lot of fun to read.

Re: I mean this in the nicest way.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*g*

Thanks.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

I'm so sorry, dude. =)

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

Well, at least we know we're not alone...


This is also why I'm going throught the whole Milliways-angst thing. Obviously it's my fault, cause I am unlovable.

[dredpiratejenny.livejournal.com]

Nny, the first time you left a comment in my journal I thought YOU were humoring ME. That line of cogitation continued for quite a while, well into your bringing Billy over to talk to Hob in the game. If your YM hadn't failed, I would still never have had the courage to message you. And I know I'm a good writer, blah blah blah, but I still occasionally think... Dude. Why is she slumming with me?

You are cooler than regular ketchup. You are cooler than green ketchup. You may even be cooler than swirly multi-colored ketchup, although that stuff is kinda weird so maybe it's not a good comparison. Um. I don't know you half as well as I wish I did, but I know that much. Your words are little hot bombs of delight, like those badly translated fish nuggets they serve at sleazy fast food joints in Spain. Yes. It's true. You are just that good.

[setissma.livejournal.com]

I love you. Lots. I think you're clever, and sweet, and you're fun to talk to, and I miss you. I will IM soon, I think. :) And that way, *I* will be the bother. 'Cos you aren't one, and never were.

[toujoursimpur.livejournal.com]

And just for the record, I find you enormously clever and a lot of fun to read.

I second!

(Also, this: Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish. I'm the same way.)

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

And *you* just made me cry at work. I smite you.

I wake up, and I ask myself what state I'm in,
And I say, well, I'm lucky, because I am like East Berlin,
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radios
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confesssing
And they'd know what I was scared, they would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out, just like me

[villainny.livejournal.com]

...

Hee! Thank you. I'm glad you're here, lady. You make me happy.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I love you too. And I miss you, very much. You make up for everything bad that life throws at me.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

i often think my own brother is just humoring me.

but he's not, any more than we're just humoring you.

MWAH.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You *do* help. *hugs*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*sings along with you*

It's good to know I'm not the only one.

[gypsyjr.livejournal.com]

I don't really know you, except tangentally through Milliways, but a lot of this sounds like it could have been written by me. Especially the part about not wanting to bother people with messenger conversations - I'm horribly shy and rubbish at meeting new people, but once I form a friendship with someone, I stick to them like glue.

.. only in another way that makes me sound less clingy and needy. ;)

Anyway, I think you're pretty brave for putting all this out there. I don't think I could.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

You both kill me.

In that good way.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

Likewise, my dear. Likewise. :)

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

I am a ruthless friender. I love your posts. *g*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks, very much. *g*