(no subject)
Aug. 4th, 2004 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyI just thought I should explain a little bit about who I am, about the way my mind works. Because I hate to say it, but this isn’t me.
It is, obviously it is. This is the idealised me, the me I’d really love to be in real life. I’m honest in my livejournal in a way that I would never even consider being to people I’ve known forever. There are a lot of things I never say, never do.
I have major issues with self confidence- I have none. I mean that genuinely. I’m half- wondering if you are all insane, wanting to read about me, of all people. I’m certain that the bubble will burst and you’ll come to your senses and ditch me. I trust very few people. I’m convinced that most of you are just humoring me. This is nothing personal, I assure you- I feel the same way about RL friends I’ve had for years. I’m deadly afraid of starting messenger conversations- I hate to be a bother, and wouldn’t want to inflict my company on anyone.
I have a tendency toward testing things to destruction. In real life I have a series of carefully constructed defense mechanisms to make sure people really like me. I wear unflattering clothes, don’t really bother with my hair, never wear makeup, because I’m worried that people only want me for the way I look. Unlikely, I know. I put myself down and tell people I’m crap because it’s easier on me than waiting for them to realise and tell me themselves. Even talking about porn is a defense mechanism, a way of undermining peoples’ conceptions of me, of keeping people at a distance.
Obviously, I don’t do well on the whole dating front. I secretly pity people who find me attractive, and think there must be something terribly wrong with them. There is a particularly persistent security guard at the shop down the road, and I’m considering changing shops because he makes me so uncomfortable- he’s not doing anything that could remotely be considered out of order, but the attention worries me. I worry that blokes are from an entirely different planet and I will never understand them. I don’t know that it’s possible for them to feel things the same way I do. I don’t know if it’s possible for anyone to love.
I’m bisexual, although that really makes no difference in my every day life. Someone once told me that I couldn’t know that until I had sex, which seems like bullshit to me- I doubt they’d have a problem believing I was straight merely because I hadn’t fucked a man. Which I haven’t, by the way. I am not a member of the GLBT society, I have never been to a gay club with intent, and I really don’t think I’ll ever tell my parents. This is partly because I’m pretty convinced I’m going to be single until I die.
I am strong, capable, can look after myself, but all of this is in quotation marks. It’s another defense mechanism- convincing the world that I don’t need anyone for anything. I hate people doing things for me, and always ask if they’re sure about three times before I will accept anything nice. Compliments just confuse me, and I’m absolutely awful at accepting them. I frequently have to countermand them with something bad, reminding people that I am shit, really. Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish.
This self confidence thing also explains why I can never get anything written. I lose all confidence between writing and posting, and tend to delete old things. This is why drabbles worked so well for me- anything I can write and post in a single session is okay, I can deal with that, but heaven forbid I should go back to anything and still think it worth doing. I have disk upon disk, folder upon folder of story fragments, ideas, plots that I doubt I’ll ever do anything with, because I know that I can’t write.
I’m worried how far this is going to take me. I can see myself ending up deeply unsatisfied with my life because I won’t let myself admit I want something more, that I deserve it. I don’t know how it’s possible to change things for me. I don’t know how to let people in.
I’m writing this on my flatmate’s laptop, by the way. A distancing technique. It’s not really me! This, I think, explains my love of RPGs- they are my coping goggles. *grins and hugs
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
copinggoggles*I now feel terribly self indulgent, for writing this. And I probably won’t believe it if you say something nice in return. I’m half tempted to delete it all now so *presses save*.
Thanks for reading.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I mean this in the nicest way.
Date: 2004-08-04 02:12 pm (UTC)I spend enough time humoring people I actually know in "real life". I'm not on the internet to waste time humoring strangers. So if I spend time talking with you or whatever, it's because I want to. I wouldn't do it otherwise.
Re: I mean this in the nicest way.
Date: 2004-08-04 02:34 pm (UTC)Thanks.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:13 pm (UTC)We're remarkably similar, you and I.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:34 pm (UTC)I'm so sorry, dude. =)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:18 pm (UTC)I'm here because I want to be.
I actually laughed when I read this -- I hate to be a bother, and wouldn't want to inflict my company on anyone -- because that's exactly how I feel about interacting with you and the others in the game.
Your presence is a gift.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:46 pm (UTC)Hee! Thank you. I'm glad you're here, lady. You make me happy.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:22 pm (UTC)I miss you.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:25 pm (UTC)I know what it's like to have trouble with self-confidence and self-esteem. If there's anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:25 pm (UTC)But reading this was like holding up a mirror. I know most of the things you talk about right here very well.
Far as creativity goes, this one hit a nerve:
Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish.
I find that things never suck quite as much as they seem to.
Just a friendly hello, I know this song, too. ^_^
*~~Glynnis~~*
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:51 pm (UTC)It's good to know I'm not the only one.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:43 pm (UTC)I wake up, and I ask myself what state I'm in,
And I say, well, I'm lucky, because I am like East Berlin,
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radios
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confesssing
And they'd know what I was scared, they would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out, just like me
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:33 pm (UTC)And just for the record, I find you enormously clever and a lot of fun to read.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:42 pm (UTC)I second!
(Also, this: Despite this I am a complete feedback whore, and if a piece of writing doesn’t get feedback I’m utterly convinced it’s complete rubbish. I'm the same way.)
(no subject)
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:39 pm (UTC)You are cooler than regular ketchup. You are cooler than green ketchup. You may even be cooler than swirly multi-colored ketchup, although that stuff is kinda weird so maybe it's not a good comparison. Um. I don't know you half as well as I wish I did, but I know that much. Your words are little hot bombs of delight, like those badly translated fish nuggets they serve at sleazy fast food joints in Spain. Yes. It's true. You are just that good.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:58 pm (UTC)No words.
*hugs tight*
'nk you
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 02:47 pm (UTC)but he's not, any more than we're just humoring you.
MWAH.
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Date: 2004-08-04 03:00 pm (UTC)Thank you.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:52 pm (UTC).. only in another way that makes me sound less clingy and needy. ;)
Anyway, I think you're pretty brave for putting all this out there. I don't think I could.
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Date: 2004-08-04 03:02 pm (UTC)It's so good to know that it's not just me. That's partly why I posted it, so that people who felt the same way would know that there were other people who understand.
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Date: 2004-08-04 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 03:04 pm (UTC)I love talking to you. You're crazy-insane in the best possible way, and far too intelligent, and bring out the weirdness in me that lies juuuust below the surface. And I love you for it. *hugs*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 03:24 pm (UTC)You've struck a lot of chords with a lot of people, it looks like! Er, this is mine. I mean, the feedback thing too, but I'm really insecure about my looks, and so I was like whoa, her too? Yeah. *shares your wibble*
and you get the fangirl icon. cause, yeah. admitting to feeling like this takes guts, in case people start agreeing with you. in the bad way.
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Date: 2004-08-04 03:33 pm (UTC)*hugs*
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Date: 2004-08-04 03:51 pm (UTC)you + me = separated at birth?
No matter what, I think you're pretty marvy, you know? (Because even if you don't believe me, subconsciously it might sink in :-P)
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Date: 2004-08-04 03:55 pm (UTC)YAY! I'm like you!
*hugs more*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 04:08 pm (UTC)No really, you do. :P
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Date: 2004-08-05 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 04:34 pm (UTC)We don't talk like I wish we would, because I think you're hella nifty, but I wanted to tell you how you've struck a chord with me, prompted a bit of soul searching - which is helpful and good, but a bit painful as well, because confronting the knowledge that I'll be honest with everyone without a qualm and yet I lie to myself all the time... well, it stings a bit.
I have a RL friend, someone I care about deeply, who has serious issues with her self esteem, and I worry about her a lot. She tells me that she wishes she could be more like me, all bravery and self confidence and taking no shit from no one, and I don't want to tell her how much of a front it is, that I never killed off the miserable, shy, relentlessly teased little girl I once was, I just sort of... squished her. I don't want to disappoint my friend, I suppose. So I can't tell her that I admire how she can drag up the courage to be so open in her sadness, that she's fifty times braver than me.
Oh look, Nny's running a confessional....
Anyway, I just wanted to say - before I got schmoopy - that a coping mechanism of relentless bluster is definitely not a rare thing, and that I admire you for being able to tell the real you from all the masks you put up, because some days I have trouble.
And you can Y!M me any old time, I'd love to talk to you. Honestly. :)
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Date: 2004-08-05 08:50 pm (UTC)Everyone's got their insecurities. It's hard to believe that sometimes. I forget that everyone's pretty much like me. I have a friend who I admire who treats everyone as an equal- I still can't do that, see this false heirarchy of life. But... he's still insecure, still needs reassurance.
I will ping you, should I ever get messenger to work again. :)
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Date: 2004-08-04 04:48 pm (UTC)Of course your sexuality isn't negated by what you have or haven't done. Some people need to get a clue. I didn't rush into relationships with men even though I knew I was bisexual - I was 25 before I chose to have anything to do with them because I was utterly terrified of them sexually - but despite a lot of fear along the way it was such a great experience that I fictionalised it in the end, giving it to one of my favourite characters *g*.
The second thing I want to say that your journal is one that often makes me smile, because there is such a lovely personality shining out of it - and even if you don't think that can be you, part of it certainly is, because that's where it comes from.
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Date: 2004-08-05 09:18 pm (UTC)And thanks. I really appreciate it.
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Date: 2004-08-04 05:40 pm (UTC)[/Professor X]
*hugs*
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Date: 2004-08-04 06:09 pm (UTC)love you, lady.
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Date: 2004-08-04 08:29 pm (UTC)I hate people doing things for me, and always ask if they're sure about three times before I will accept anything nice. Compliments just confuse me, and I'm absolutely awful at accepting them. I frequently have to countermand them with something bad, reminding people that I am shit, really.
You can't pay me to take a compliment. I'll always reply with something that downplays the compliment or something bad about myself to balance it out. "I suck. See? I totally suck. Do not compliment me." And I hate when people try to help me or do stuff for me. I'd rather struggle forever than ask for help.
If you ever find out how to let people in, feel free to share the secret. I haven't figure it out yet. I seem to have figured out the perfect ways to do the complete opposite though. If someone does start to get too close, I'll immediately close myself off to the point of avoiding phone calls or not signing on AIM. I'm absolutely horrible at dealing with people. I think I'm missing the gene for it.
If I would've have nodded to much more of your post, my head would've nodded right off my shoulders. Which, now that I think about it, might have been funny to see.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-05 08:53 pm (UTC)Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.
*g*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 09:42 pm (UTC)I practically never initiate a YIM conversation for the same reason. And compliments not only often confuse me, but on occasion even make me uncomfortable or even angry, because I can't believe they're sincere.
I hate to be reiterating something I said to you earlier today, but I really think you should consider finding a counselor/therapist/analyst/whatever. I'm not trying to tell you that I think you're nuts, and I don't believe that that road is some sort of cure all. But you're concerned that you'll end up deeply unsatisfied with life, and maybe someone can help you to change things and learn how to "let people in."
In the meantime, you've gotten something like 47 comments in the past few hours from those of us who understand how you feel and want to reassure you that we really do find you clever, and fun, and cool, and sweet. And that you're not alone.
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Date: 2004-08-05 08:54 pm (UTC)You never fail to make me feel better. Thank you so much, just for being you.
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Date: 2004-08-04 11:05 pm (UTC)I like having you on my friendslist and wish I knew you better. :)
And, like a lot of people have said, hang in there. You're not nearly as alone as you think.
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Date: 2004-08-05 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-04 11:08 pm (UTC)I have major issues with self confidence- I have none. I mean that genuinely. I’m half- wondering if you are all insane, wanting to read about me, of all people. I’m certain that the bubble will burst and you’ll come to your senses and ditch me. I trust very few people. I’m convinced that most of you are just humoring me. This is nothing personal, I assure you- I feel the same way about RL friends I’ve had for years. I’m deadly afraid of starting messenger conversations- I hate to be a bother, and wouldn’t want to inflict my company on anyone.
With that paragraph, you described me as I've been for years. And this past year, it nearly ruined my life - because of my lack of self confidence, I nearly failed myself out of college. My parents pulled me out before things got too bad, and a year later, I'm just now feeling ready to go back and try again. I've had some intensive therapy, and actually feel pretty good about myself now. I still have some problems - for example, I can't bring myself to tell the guy I like how I feel, because I'm still terrified of regection, but I'm so much more confident in everyday life that it's like I'm a different person. None of which is meant to preach at you, but just to say that it is possible to work past that point. And hey, if I can do it, then so can you! It just takes some help - this is one thing that can't be done on your own. *grin*
And I hope you didn't mind my intrusion on your journal. I've got you friended because I was vaguely aware of you in RPGs, so I checked out your journal. From what I read, you're interesting, charming, and definitely someone I'd like to know in real life, so I added you!
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Date: 2004-08-05 09:22 pm (UTC)I love intrusions. I love comments. All part of the feedback whore mentality, I guess.
I have too many RPGs for one brain. *g*
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Date: 2004-08-04 11:16 pm (UTC)Also, on the IM front:
OMG YOU TOO?! That must be why we haven't been talking via MSN recently. *facesmack* I was afraid you'd decided I sucked or something. ^^;
no subject
Date: 2004-08-05 09:27 pm (UTC)And yes. I'm sorry. Ping me? I like you an awful lot, but... SHY! *hugs*
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-05 02:12 am (UTC)...you're like me. I always feel like I'm being a bother when I IM you.
Also, on the writing. Once again, I know exactly how you feel. Drabbles, fine. Ficlets, more tricky but sure. Stories? Scare me to death. I love the planning and the reasearch and the characters, but I can't write 'em for the same reason as you.
So, you get hugged, my Nny.
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Date: 2004-08-05 09:31 pm (UTC)You are never a bother. Never. I wish I had the chance to talk to you more often over MSN. You're a grand person.
(no subject)
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