(no subject)

[nny]

At this moment in time I feel utterly vile. Fucking makeover fucking TV.

*deep breaths*

Clothes and I do not get on. I've been wearing essentially the same thing since college because it's safe, and it's how people know me, and it's how I know myself. I don't necessarily like it, but I know it. I'm terrified of changing it because... what if I make an effort, and it doesn't work? What if I try to change myself and no one notices? What if they laugh?

I can't shop. I don't know if it's an innate skill or something you learn, but somehow I seem to have been completely left out of the loop as far as shopping goes. Any time I walk into somewhere remotely fashionable I feel out of place, I feel as though the shop assistants are staring at me, aching to walk up to me and yell that I shouldn't be there, that I'm quite clearly in the wrong place, who do I think I'm trying to fool? I flick my eyes over the racks and depart, red-faced and muttering insults at the perceived slight, trying to hide the fact that I'm scared shitless.

I hate changing rooms. I hate mirrors- don't own one. I hate the expectations with which I go out into the world and the way I return empty handed and feeling like some kind of freak of nature. Who the hell is afraid of shops? Me.

I can go on at great length about why I dress the way I do, about why I rarely wear make up, about why I don't make an effort. I say it's because people should like me for who, not what, I am. I say that I'd rather spend the time other people spend getting ready reading a book. I say that it's more fun when I do make an effort, and people are surprised. All true in their way, I suppose. Truth is, I'm scared.

I genuinely believe that I'm unattractive. I look at myself and I can't see anything that anyone could love. I see a friend, I see a huge grin, I see maaaaahvellous hair dahling. I see a lovely personality. I see Agnes- "...but she's got a wonderful personality". But. I'm not hideous, just terribly English. Instantly forgettable.

Why am I suddenly worried now? Because I have done that most geeky of things- fallen in love over the internet. I've found someone clever, bright, creative, funny, geeky...I could go on. I won't bore you. Suffice it to say that I have genuinely never felt this way before. It's confusing and exhilirating and terrifying. We've spoken, but I can't afford to meet her. And I'm petrified that when I do, that'll be it. Because I'm me. Because I look the way I do.

How do I solve this? I'm buggered if I know. I'm at a loss. I wish I could say that I have a plan of action, that I'm going to increase my confidence, that I have the remotest idea of what I'm doing. Life isn't a TV show. It's not that easy. All I can do is hope. I'm not very good at that.

Comments

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

She probably feels exactly the same way.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

She has no need to, she's awfully cute. *g*

[sophistry]

*does*

[tammaiya.livejournal.com]

*melts into complete goo and wished the both of you the best of luck*

[friede.livejournal.com]

I can't shop. I don't know if it's an innate skill or something you learn

It may be for some, but it isn't for me. Everyone has to learn what feels good and suits them -- hence the mirrors, sorry to say. Friends with a good eye are also helpful.

Any time I walk into somewhere remotely fashionable I feel out of place,

Those shops are designed that way. It's not just you. But the sales staff is usually friendly when they realize you're actually going to spend money.

I say it's because people should like me for who, not what, I am.

Which is true. But you're more likely to be yourself when meeting new people if you're comfortable with who you are, inside and out. That doesn't mean altering necessarily, and certainly not drastically. But a nice haircut or piece of clothing you feel comfortable AND nice in is an excellent placebo.

I say that I'd rather spend the time other people spend getting ready reading a book.

Well, you know. There IS a happy medium between rolling out of bed and having an inch of cosmetic on your face/corseted into too-tight clothing/wearing uncomfortable shoes. Also, skills that take a long time in the beginning take very little time once you've got them down. The fear, as is so often the case, is something that has to be solved from within.

I genuinely believe that I'm unattractive. I look at myself and I can't see anything that anyone could love. I see a friend, I see a huge grin, I see maaaaahvellous hair dahling. I see a lovely personality. I see Agnes- "...but she's got a wonderful personality". But. I'm not hideous, just terribly English. Instantly forgettable.

Here's the thing -- no one, no matter their level of confidence or not, sees in the mirror or photographs what others see when they look at you. You will never catch yourself truly smiling, or lit from within with happiness, etc. Add to that the fact that love, affection, friendship are transformative -- love isn't blind, but it's sure as hell biased.

Incidentally, this is why having a friend you trust can be very helpful -- they see you from a different angle, and aren't as wedded to your "look" as you are. I've got one I can loan out -- she LOVES this sort of thing, and doesn't get to do it as often as she'd like -- we'll probably be down in the spring. *grin*

And I'm petrified that when I do, that'll be it. Because I'm me. Because I look the way I do.

Bollocks. I say that even as I've used the same argument myself.

My two cents.

[lamiael.livejournal.com]

And I'm petrified that when I do, that'll be it.

Are you friends? Friends do see you differently, they see the personality that they love. So you aren't gorgeous. This girl/woman/whoever already knows and likes your personality, right? Give the gal some credit. :)

Good luck.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

You are not vile. I have seen pic of you. Not vile in the least.

There's a lot I could say here, but I think I've said it before.

[ajodasso.livejournal.com]

I can't shop. I don't know if it's an innate skill or something you learn, but somehow I seem to have been completely left out of the loop as far as shopping goes.

I can sympathize. My grandmother can shop for me better than I can. God's truth. I'd just as soon throw on jeans, a plain long-sleeved tee, and a hoodie over. Not very creative.

[sophistry]

Times like these I HATEHATEHATE that I'm so bloody ineloquent, and that anything I can say would just be utterly inadequate.

I can't shop. I can shop for others, in an emergency, but not for myself. Never learned, don't plan to. Ask anybody who's ever tried to take me shopping - I'm well known for sneaking a book around under my jacket, and settling down for a few chapters in the changing rooms. But I digress.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the same things you are. I am terrified, terrified, of meeting you in the flesh. I ain't ever been good enough for anybody before. How can I even come close enough to being good enough for you?

But I fell for you without ever knowing or, indeed, giving a flying fuck what you look like, or what you dress like. Whyever would those factors make a difference now? It would be the height of hypocrisy for me to reject someone based on looks or clothes. I'm no looker myself, and pretty much everything you'll find in my wardrobe has been bought for me by various relatives out of sheer frustration at seeing me wearing the same things, day in, day out.

When I find something I like, I stick with it.

I like you.

I love you.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

And you say you're ineloquent.

*squashes*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Nothing you say is inadequate. You're eloquent and bright and you always seem to know the exact thing I need to hear. I'm sorry I'm paranoid. And yes, I know of the book thing- one of my requirements in my baggy jeans is that I must be able to get a book in the back pocket. Once managed to squeeze a copy of LotR in there. Advantage of being a Bear of Very Little Arse. *g*

Strange as it sounds, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in the fear thing. But, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, don't be bloody stupid. Of course you're good enough, more than. I don't fall in love with just anybody, you know.

I know. I do know. I've just... it's hard to dismiss a lifetime of being told that looks are important, that internet friends are not real people, that I should be finding a Nice Young Man. I don't agree with any of that, and I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm almost at the point I can say it. I'm getting there, I promise. You're helping. Also? You're cute. *g*

I love you. No matter how many wibbles I have, please believe that. I just find it kinda hard to believe that things are starting to go right for me.

Thank you.

[strange-selkie.livejournal.com]

Woss wrong with falling in love over the in'ernet, then?

Nny, my darling, when I stepped off the train to meet Rami for the first time, I wanted to cry and flee. I hadn't washed my hair that morning cos I had to open the shop, I hadn't pressed my shirt, I reeked of airport, I wah, wah, wah, wah. Plus the size issue, the body image issue, and the "Wow, am generally walking poster girl for social ineptitude" issue.

But then she was standing there, and she told me she liked me, and she smiled at me.

And when she did, I forgot everything but what I could be, if only she'd never stop smiling at me just like that.

Take a chance. You only get one life, Nny, you may as well tie the sheets to the window and jump.

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. *hugs you tight*

You are anything but forgettable, and even if you can't find yourself attractive, we're here to tell you you are. I promise.

I'm so sorry I wasn't around earlier, I was fast fast asleep. *hugs you more*

[r-becca.livejournal.com]

First, nobody looks like a fashion plate all the time. You should wear what you're comfortable with-- find a good balance between style and comfort. You do not have to redo your entire wardrobe to do this.

But you have to buy a mirror. If you don't, how can you ever feel comfortable with how you look?

*hugs*

[chasing-laura.livejournal.com]

Honey...

For what it's worth: I fancy the pants off you.

Unattractive? Please. There's one hell of a lot to love about you.

Know what's in front of me on my wall in China right now? A photo of the two of us when we were, oooh, 17. We're stood outside the Railway (only one pub can have walls that yellow), drinks in hands. You're wearing a gorgeous red, white and orange retro checked shirt and a black dog collar. I'm wearing a superman t-shirt, lol...
You look all kinds of cute :-D

If you wanna change something, change it - but only if it's for you and you alone. Bugger everyone else, it doesn't really matter if no one notices the difference or even doesn't appreciate it. What's important is that it will change the way you feel about yourself, cos you know.

And sweetie, forgettable is one thing you certainly ain't.

[aidara.livejournal.com]

I can definitely sympathise with the shopping thing. I feel terrified whenever I walk into even a department store. I have to have someone with me or I usually don't get anything done. And even then I don't seem to have the ability to know what to try on or how something will look off the hanger, so I never actually buy anything that suits me very well. *hugs* You're definitely not alone. :)

[setissma.livejournal.com]

I love you. And I think you're gorgeous. Enough said. :)

[la-rainette.livejournal.com]

Second that.

[dark-continuum.livejournal.com]

At this point, I think I can only say one (evil?) thing...:

I KNEW IT

^-^ Congrats! [Wait, 's that the right thing to say?? Feh *shrugs*] But ye... You must feel so happisome ^^ I'd say it's kinda sweet, but that'd seem patronising. All the same, I seriously do wish you happiness...

['m in sorta the same place... And... It sometimes seems like a dream. Like... a frail bubble... It'll only float so high... And then it'll pop? But... If you have the tenacity, and sincerity, to see it and guide it through . . . Who knows? If it seems weird hearing this from a complete stranger who you don't even know, apologies; but for some odd reason, 'm happy for you... Love can be one of the greatest feelings there is. Confusing... But exhilarating. Special] *smiles*

[vimeslady.livejournal.com]

"Who the hell is afraid of shops?"

** Raises hand **

Of course, I'm scared just knowing I have to go to the grocery store this afternoon. But shopping for clothes is the worst. I've never been able to understand women who love to shop. It's either a genetic thing that I missed or a learned skill that I flunked.

It's normal to be terrified about meeting someone you've met on line. But it really sounds like you have no reason at all to worry. Be yourself. That's who she fell in love with. Try not to dwell on your perceptions of your looks and just enjoy having found somebody.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

I know what it's like to feel like that. Hate it, hate it all, that helpless feeling of being overlooked and forgettable and inconsequential, and oh God I am so not pretty.

But Nny?

You shine.

In every way. Doesn't matter how you look. It is so trite, but so true. And what's more, you deserve every inch of this happiness, and beyond.

You are loved. By many. And not in spite of anything -- because of who you are.

[ashen_key]

I hate changing rooms. I hate mirrors

I loathe changing rooms for this exact reason. Aside from the fact I am forced to be surrounded by images of myself, I hate looking at once pretty clothes and seeing just how much it doesn't fit me.

Who the hell is afraid of shops?

I work in one. Haven't yet bought any clothes there as I know all the people at the registers.

Because I have done that most geeky of things- fallen in love over the internet

It maybe geeky, but its beautiful, and wonderful, and I can't stop grinning at the computer at the thought of you two. Honestly. *hugs* Ah, love ya, babe. And you'll be fine.