(no subject)

[nny]

And after all that overthinking, I feel like a meme.

A variant of the old "ask any of my characters a question" meme, I think.

Bring any of my characters a problem.

Write a problem page style letter in the comments, as long or short as you like, and in the subject line write who you'd like to respond to it - IC agony aunt style replies will be forthcoming. Anonymous posting welcome.


For the record, I'll respond as any character I'm familiar with. I won't guarantee the quality, but... HP, Good Omens, Discworld, various and sundry. If you've been watching my journal you ought to have some idea. :)

Comments

[foreverdirt.livejournal.com]

Dear Auntie Aziraphale,

I find myself with the strangest compulsion to waste time on the internet despite having very important exams just over a week away.

Please advise.

Yours in procrastinatory distress,

Lazy Sod of Chipping Norton.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Dear Lazy -

Er.

My dear Lazy,

I can't say that I can really empathise directly, since I've never particularly caught the internet bug; however I'm more than familiar with distractions. It's terribly difficult to resist temptation when it comes bearing really quite palatable wines and invitations for dinner. To pluck an example out of the air.

I've found that a firm tone of voice works wonders, and a rolled up newspaper administered sharply to the crown of the head is surprisingly effective at allowing me to get back to my tasks... however, man cannot live by bread alone, you know.

My recommendation, then, is this: set yourself targets, and allow a certain amount of time on this internet thing in return. Hard work brings its own rewards, and so forth.

I wish you the very best of luck in your exams, my dear.

Aziraphale.

Dear Auntie Crowley

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

I'm currently having problems with The Ladies. My main problem is that they seem to pass right over me on the way to my far more charming and attractive friends, and I get left holding the ticket stubs while they go "Um, I'm not really into girls" a lot.

How can I make women love me, Oh Auntie Crowley?

x

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I've always found a first edition and a cup of tea works wonders.

Dear Individual too lazy to come up with one of those ssodding awful nicknames,

(I invented those, you know. Show some respect.) You have to be subtle about this. Make conversation with them while your charming and attractive friends are getting a manicure, or hogging the bathroom, whatever. Get to know them a little. Be thoughtful; not often enough that they take you for granted, not a chance, just every now and again show you've been paying attention to what they have to say.

Not necessary, but fun: be just a little bit ruder to everyone else. If they're anything like - if they're the least bit predictable they'll be pleased enough to have better treatment from you that they'll overlook the bad behaviour. Two birds, one stone, see?

Oh, and avoid voodoo dolls, black magic or succubus summonings, if you would. They never work, and they always get his back up.

- A.J. Crowley

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

I've always found a first edition and a cup of tea works wonders.

Does that work on villainny, Aunty Crowley? Or just ... *coughAziraphaelcough*

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Don't know what you mean. (Shut up).

And Nny is easily bought and easily kept. Just not so easily convinced.

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmmmmm.

So, tea and first editions constitute a foot in the door? How on earth does one get into the hallway, as 'twere?

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Tea and first editions would embarrass and flatter. Knowing when tea is needed (clue: always), remembering things she's said, talking to her, those are all hallway and beyond. Doesn't take much.

'course, it depends on the person.

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

'course, it depends on the person.

Qua?

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Nny refuses to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate her.

Re: Dear Auntie Crowley

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

*pelts you with lemons*

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Dear Aunty Snape*,

There's a Certain Person I keep finding my gaze landing on in class. Neither of us is available at the moment and I'm not intending to do anything about it - is this a harmless crush or should I be worried?

Also, I think the government is spying on me.

Please advise,
Sister Inexplicable Mallet of Harmonoius Revolution


*and some part of my very soul cringes at just typing those words

[villainny.livejournal.com]

And why, Miss Revolution, would you imagine that I would be interested in childhood crushes? I am forced to admit that such things are necessary later in life for the propogation of the species (although why anyone would choose to produce more mucky-faced brats is beyond me) but any fantasies entertained in the classroom are both futile and a distraction from things of a far more important nature. You should be worried if it distracts you from your work; if explosions, dismemberment or involuntary froghood results, it will be thoroughly deserved.

As for the government, I'm sure they have far more important things on their hands. Even if it is the Muggle branch.

- Professor Snape.

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

^_^

[chains-of-irony.livejournal.com]

Dear Aunty Aziraphale,

There is a boy I really like, but he seems to be like angels (unless they try very hard,) and he rejected me by saying he thought he was 'asexual.' I think it was metaphorical.

What should I do? Is he an angel?

Maybe I should ask Aunty Crowley. He probably has experience with this sort of thing. XD

xxx

[nepheliad.livejournal.com]

Dear Andre,

I think my theatre might be haunted too.

We don't have any opera, though, so it can't be an Opera Ghost -- but the levels of exclamation points in our speech keep going up.

What should I do?

Signed,
Actress In New York!!!!