(no subject)

[nny]

It's nice here in America. They have all these brands of food that I've only ever heard about, and I'm inordinately excited by the presence of 7-11's. There are three cats here and I keep getting randomly exfoliated by Benjy's tongue, which is interesting, and (OMG) there's a pool. Everything is big and airconditioned and it's all so shiny, I feel like an idiot running around gaping at things but I ain't gonna stop - people who are too cool to enjoy things must have very sad lives, I think.

ANYWAY!

So I came up with this theory which explains the English and American general attitudes towards life, which I thought it was important to explain to you. I call it the Poo Theory.

American toilets, see, are significantly deeper than English toilets. And by deeper I mean the volume of water - the distance between the surface of the water and the rim of the bowl is considerably less. This makes more sense as far as dogs drinking from toilet bowls goes - I've always vaguely wondered how they managed that.

That's faintly irrelevant.

Because there is such an increased distance between the rim of the bowl and the surface of the water, taking a crap in England is a much louder process than on this side of the pond. It makes for a much larger splash, and therefore there is the chance that someone will overhear.

Therefore! The English feel as though they should always be apologising for the fact that you may have heard them doing a poo, and they transfer this to everyday life and are polite and apologetic and self-deprecating.

Americans, on the other hand, go through life secure in the knowledge that no one has inadvertently heard them taking a crap, and therefore they feel no need to apologise to anyone and can TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

In conclusion, then, if we lowered the water levels in the White House toilets by about half, George Bush would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with.




...aren't you glad you have me friended? All the philosophical discussion!

Comments

[lunar-echo.livejournal.com]

That's a weird one...even for you ;)

Glad you're having a good time. Is it hot over there? Currently 30 degrees here, and still haven't moved out fully. New house is dust-mite central, so need to sort that as I've developed allergies already & have yet to spend a night there. Otherwise, stuff is as usual.

Look forward to reading more of your travels...hopefully with less poo tho :p

Don't know my new postcode yet, but I expect the below will still work ok:

41 Diana Street
Plasnewydd
Cardiff
South Glamorgan
WALES UK

Hoping to see Pirates by the weekend, but I admit it won't be the same without yourself or R...

[villainny.livejournal.com]

It's hot and humid over here, but... dude, air conditioning! This stuff is so shiny. I'm having a little trouble as far as cats go, but I have clarityn and an inhaler so it's not as bad as all that - you should get hold of some antihistamines ASAP until you can get the dust problem sorted.

I'm so excited about seeing Pirates. :D!

And thanks for the address sweet. Duly noted.

(And do you have JockJock's or Bigger's?)

[metallumai.livejournal.com]

Excellent theory!! I had noticed a similar difference between our toilets and yours, but my musings focussed on the more efficient whooshing-away of the flush that yours have compared to ours. American flush systems are sorta lackadaisical, I think.

[lunar-echo.livejournal.com]

Aye I am sat in Matt's room with our equilivent - a fan! But it helped me sleep for a change. Yeh, I am going to try hoovering first and see how I go - plus all the moving has made it worse.

Cool, well if I get the post code and can get online again soon I will let you know that too.

I do have Jock Jock's but it is....somwhere...I'll try to find it and let you know (maybe email her/comment on her journal - she may be quicker at responding than me, stuff is in boxes right now)! No idea about Bigger's - and she's going away today for a week, but I'll try to find out.

Have fun. I'm off to play with boxes and dust. Woo.

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

*snerks*
I like this theory!

[lurvesnape.livejournal.com]

omg i'm not going to be able to use the toilet in england if people are going to hear me!

[cluegirl.livejournal.com]

But your theory has one significant flaw in it: Georgie doesn't USE toilets. We can clearly see from his every press release, that he simply flings his poo at his social enemies whenever he has a bowel movement, and Dick Cheyney can't get his diaper changed fast enough.

Oh, I said that out loud, didn't I?
*Not precisely sorry...*

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahahahahahahah. Wow, that theory does explain a lot. (And I'm so amused that you thought "oh, so THAT'S how the dogs drink out of the toilet bowl!" as well. Hee.)

*LOVE*

And mmm.... air conditioning. Even though I know it does bad things for the environment, I do miss it.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

THAT IS ALL.

[unravels.livejournal.com]

...

You haven't been into the Twinkies, have you? You realize those and the roaches are the only things that will survive World War III, yes?

Also, air conditioning! I remember that. *sigh*

:-*

[moongirli.livejournal.com]

That is a brilliant theory.


...wait...There's no A/C in the UK?

[mercuriazs.livejournal.com]

Nny .... whut.




*is dying of laughter*

[ashen_key]

7-11s!

And...

Oh, Nny. I do love you, you know?

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

The happiness is why I keep you friended, dork. :) Hope you're having as many truckloads of fun as you can swallow.

[vimeslady.livejournal.com]

You mean when I retire to London I won't have air conditioning?? And everyone will know when I go poop??!

**Is having second thoughts**

[midnight-violet.livejournal.com]

you never cease to amaze me.i had wondered about the dog thing...that is an interestingly plausible theory. if revolting.

i want to go to the cinema with my fellow pirates who don't do anything. hmph

[batyatoon]

...huh.

You know, I thought you were going to take that in an entirely different direction. Something about us Americans always using more resources than we really need and taking it for granted.

[schiarire.livejournal.com]

I thought this was going to be about how we keep REDUCING the amount of water you can legally have in a toilet, supposedly to conserve water, except that the result is that you have to flush two or three times instead of once and NO WATER IS CONSERVED.

[amphibienne.livejournal.com]

:D

In Germany, when I was a kid, your crap used to land on its own little platform high up, thus allowing you to get intimately acquainted with it (and its smell) before you flushed.

I wonder what effect it has on the German spirit. There is something unsettling about having to stare your own poop in the eye.

*ahem*

yeah, TMI much, I know.

[amphibienne.livejournal.com]

(I'm thinking of taking you on the DAY it comes out, BTW. Late night show, probably, so you won't get much sleep cos on Saturday we have to get up early to get you to your plane, but hey -- what a nice way to end your stay here, right? :D )

[chains-of-irony.livejournal.com]

Me: *giggles*
My cat: *RUNS AWAY!*

You're insane. In a good way. So is your theory.

Have lots of airconditioned fun in the US of A, find out for me what Twinkies are while you're at it, and make sure to come back to us eventually!