(no subject)

[nny]

I don't understand how people get together, these days.

indy_go linked to an article about 30 yr-old virgins, which I'm not going to link to again because I don't like it as a piece of journalism, but it brought up a couple of interesting points; mostly interesting because I thought I was somehow missing out on some sort of loop but it turns out I'm not. It turns out that it is, in fact, the world that's dysfunctional and not me.

People don't date anymore. They hook up. Which is something I've noticed, actually - friends going to pubs/clubs, meeting someone, getting it on and then thinking about whether or not to pass on their number. Like giving someone your phone number is a far more intimate transaction than having sex.

Now I couldn't do that, for a number of reasons. The most obvious of these is the fact that a) I've never had sex and b) I can't for the life of me tell when someone is showing an interest. But it's other things as well. It's trust, for one. I'm not scared of strangers - in fact, the closer you are to me the more likely I am to be terrified of you - but I wouldn't trust them. Also, I'm (apparently) old-fashioned. I'd like sex to actually mean something more than an exchange of pleasure. I realise that this isn't a particular popular viewpoint these days but to be honest I couldn't care less about current trends in any and all walks of life.

See, it's not as though I've lacked in opportunity; I could have got laid and chose not to, partly because frequently I have been seen as a likely candidate for threesomes. (Which, okay, maybe somewhere down the line, but not as a first time, I'm thinking.) But also because I don't feel particularly ready, yet. Yes, at twenty three.

Is that odd? Possibly.

Do I care? Not at all.

Sometimes my mind switches track on this - I feel like a social pariah, I feel unattractive, I feel as though I'm going to go without forever... but that doesn't change the fact that I have yet to feel ready to have sex. There are a couple of people I would have considered it with, people I'd been particularly close to, but it didn't work out and that might well be for the best. Because I'm still working out things about myself and about how I interact with people and how my brain works that a lot of other people probably sorted out far younger than I did, but which it's really best I sort out before I get entangled with anyone else. I tend to go for the faintly screwed up ones, see, and I need to be in a more stable place myself before I can cope with anyone else's problems. (I know some people won't like that point of view, but it's a part of who I am that if I can possibly help I will attempt to, and if I can't I feel useless and get upset by it. I do know that some people don't like that about me, because it's frequently none of my business, but I don't like people close to me being unhappy.)

So... yeah. I haven't had sex and I don't have any plans to. I have no intention of using someone, whether they be a friend or no, to 'get it over with', because that's not how I work. But apparently, according to this article, this is all something I ought to keep to myself in case I 'scare men off'. Taking someone's virginity is, according to the article, apparently far too much pressure for the poor delicate souls. They fear it will lead to a relationship, see.

Well, y'know, anyone who's like that about it... fuck 'em.

Or, y'know, not.

Comments

[josepheenie.livejournal.com]

OK there are two types of sex as far as I can make out.... emotional sex and physical sex. I am pretty much tied into the emotional kind, in that I find it very very hard to detach myself and just enjoy what's happening. There seems to be a lot of emphasis placed of the significance of any of my sexual encounters which can make life complicated. Some people, for instance my friend A, are able to detach themselves from any kind of meaning... this can, in polite society be referred to as "being a bit of a tart" amongst other phrases. So, yes, the most recent introduction to my sex life knew me for 6 months before I eventually had sex with him, although finding a guy who will hang around that long is difficult.

About being ready, I'm not sure you ever are to be honest. I certsinly wasn't... and in terms of the notion put out by films that you just know that you're "ready", I don't buy that. It can be very easy to work yourself up about sex, so, hmmm... don't worry about not feeling ready, I think that's normal.

The virginity thing? Oh, yeah, that's totally daunting but I think more from a girl's point of view (talking het here)... having experienced some of what could only be described as "poking" and subsequently getting injured, yea, I don't thihnk I will be going there again any time soon. :S

not sure if I have said what I intended.... any questions?

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

This (http://pandagon.net/2006/09/06/a-feminist-post-we-all-can-agree-on) response to that article is one you might find worth reading.

Also, personally, I'm fairly sure the actual amount of sex people are having and at what age hasn't changed all that much, it's just that the lying/exaggerating has gone in the opposite direction. In the past there'd've been people who liked lots of sex and didn't mind having it with relative strangers, and now there are plenty of people who would rather have less but with somebody they know and like. It's only society being fucked up that says there's anything weird or wrong about either of those choices, provided they're not being made for you.

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

bravo.

[ms-ntropy.livejournal.com]

All this talk of ready-ness makes me think of something a college bio prof said in one of my core science lectures.
He was talking about salmon, and how they don't just rush back upstream to spawn when they hit adulthood. That it's not a size or an age issue with them. That there's some sort of alternative trigger that makes them wig out, travel hundreds of miles upstream, and commit suicide while spawning.

"Most of the time," he says, "they're quite content in the oceans saying 'I'm not ready for sex. I'm going to stay here and eat."

As mottos go, it's not a bad one.

As for the "delicate souls who fear relationship"...well, we don't. That's actually not it at all. What we fear is being the first, which is something entirely different.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

As for the "delicate souls who fear relationship"...well, we don't. That's actually not it at all. What we fear is being the first, which is something entirely different.

I was relating what the article said. Apparently some people do think like that. It's not my opinion, particularly.

[ms-ntropy.livejournal.com]

The more I think about it, the less I appreciate the wording of that article.
BOO, Article! No Biscuit!

[villainny.livejournal.com]

It's a very bad article. It sounds as though someone came up with it in a pub, got some opinions from the drunks at the bar, then slammed it together when hungover the next morning. XD

[ms-ntropy.livejournal.com]

I bet it seemed like such a good idea at the time too.
Once, while stoned, I concluded that three angels could dance on the head of a pin. Because those three ate the rest.

At the time it was brilliant.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know the feeling. I once decided that teabags were never invented, they were always brought back from the future by black market tea traders. Oh, and that all the interesting craters on the moon were canons, which was where maltesers come from.

[ms-ntropy.livejournal.com]

I think you just won.
I'm not sure what you just won, but it's yours!

[emmlet.livejournal.com]

You both won the sudden inexplicable desire to get on gchat! Right?

[ms-ntropy.livejournal.com]

Yes ma'am.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

...I haven't been on chat in weeks. I fear I've forgotten how!

(And possibly a bit later. My VLC player won't work when I'm chatting, and... dude, JOHN SHEPPARD INNA COLLAR!)

[emmlet.livejournal.com]

This is an acceptable reason. :D

[emmlet.livejournal.com]

That was my original response to the article, but given that it touches some sensitive topics for people I was like: I am at work, at the end of overtime day. Can I phrase my dislike for article in such a way it doesn't upset people I quite like? Appparently not. *deletes comment*

But yeah. Article was crap for many reasons that have nothing to do with it hitting home for some people and more for things like the implication that these men who are afraid that, y'know, a relationship could develop from sex with a virgin are the ones you're supposed to want.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

the implication that these men who are afraid that, y'know, a relationship could develop from sex with a virgin are the ones you're supposed to want.

YES. Yes, precisely. This is what always pisses me off about these things, anything that says you have to lie about who you are. Anyone that needs me to lie to them isn't worth it.

[elliebethany.livejournal.com]

Bad journalism sucks. Evidently, finding someone who's not "scared off" by it isn't difficult at all - I, a socially retarded person, seem to have managed without trying.

Good attitude!

[dramawench.livejournal.com]

That is such a healthy attitude, one I wish I had held onto for longer. I ended up losing my virginity in such a negative way, it was such a mistake. It's far better to wait until it's right for the situation and your mindset to be right before you go through with it.
*hugs*

And sweetie, you are totally hot. I'm sure everyone who sees you wants your bod :D

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

[COMMENT CENSORED]

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yyyeah, I knew you wouldn't like this post.

Sometimes I should just not talk.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

? It's your journal, you say what you like on it, and you have your opinions on it. I'm just registering my disagreement with some of the facts, that's all. :(

[villainny.livejournal.com]

My opinions and my facts change daily. Hence the latest disclaimer, some version of which appears every time I say anything with any depth to it.

Which would be why I mostly don't.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

I am perishing with the hunger and therefore not so much with words, but I just wanted to make some kind of a solidarity fist, and also give you a hug.

[vivien]

(((SNUGS)))

I know I am older than your generation, but the "hooking up" thing really and truly baffles me. I just don't get it.

Wait for someone you're really into. Whether it's love or not, the trust thing, as you say, is key. Sex is so much more than panting and an orgasm.

Or at least, it should be.