(no subject)

[nny]

Okay, I'm really sorry but I just hate the world right now.

I kinda... I don't notice how much I build myself up to doctors appointments. I mean, it's not like I'm excited about them or anything, but there's always this faint persistent hope that maybe this time, since it's been going on since August and all, they might have some idea of what might be wrong with me. But no. No, I have to wait until my scan in November, and there are no more suitable painkillers than the ones that are currently not working, and they want to steal more of my blood and see if I have thyroid problems and meanwhile it's getting worse and hurting more and getting harder and harder to stick it out at work and goddammit I like this stupid job.

Goddammit.

I'm trying to write more of my silly fic, which isn't working so much because I'm hurting and it's difficult to concentrate. It's interesting, though, because it's possibly the first fic I've actually written to please myself. Usually, even if I don't explicitly state it, I have someone in mind when I'm writing. Someone I want to make feel better, or impress, or persuade to like me more. So I can never tell if it's working, because it's not designed to work for me. Whereas this one is entirely, entirely self indulgence, and if soupytwist's reactions are any indication it might work to entertain other people too, and it's a hell of a lot of fun. So that's a happy thing and I will bludgeon my stupid insides into submission if I have to so I can get this written.

Also, I had a classics class today with the most magnificent teacher who insisted he was Merlin and was going to turn latecomers into nasty creatures, and who went off on a huge tangent in the middle of a lesson on Odysseus to rapturise about Jacobite rebellion songs and rant about how there are no real kings any more and talk about rock and roll and suchlike and so forth. He's ridiculously dramatic, and the girl I was supporting, who's hearing impaired, has trouble with him because of the pitch and volume shifts when he's drama-ing about, but I was having an absolute whale of a time. (I've also offered to give her a hand during my lunchtimes with her essay structure. She's a sweetheart.)

I'm absolutely kernackereded. Didn't get enough sleep last night, I think. And I've had half an hour on the internets and I've only got I think another half hour before I'm booted off, so I'm going to find something mindless and happy-endingy to read.

(I guess I don't hate the world that much. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me.)

Comments

[batyatoon]

Dude, I want your Classics teacher.

...as a teacher. sheesh, you people.

[dopplegl.livejournal.com]

in bed

[dopplegl.livejournal.com]

I might say this a lot, but to me, I don't think I say it enough: I love you. I really, really do. You do not deserve to be sick like this--in fact, none of you on my flist do--because you are an amazing person. You're one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest people I've ever met and I love you more than words can say. *hugs*

[alemara.livejournal.com]

On a totally useless note, I wish I'd had professors who insisted they were Merlin.

[rimestock.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I'll ask Abby to make you one of these icons?

*offers hugs, carefully*

I know what you mean, sort of, on the "goddamn it, doc, just TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG" front. I don't know if you still have me friended, I don't know if you keep up on your flist, I don't know if you bother to keep tabs on what's inexplicably wrong with other people; lord knows that if I had the choice, I wouldn't, because I'd rather all my friends were just healthy, thanks. It doesn't work that way, sadly.

I don't know what my point is. This has happened a lot lately, too.

Anyway.

At some point, you'll figure out what's wrong, and it'll get fixed, and it'll be good. And until then, things are really, really going to suck, but at least you know you have lots of friends who love you and will support you through this.

And you have self-indulgent fic, which is also lovely, and I rather wish I had some. And yet I don't. And it is sad. :(

[rebootfromstart.livejournal.com]

?

It does not really help, I know. Many hugs to you, dearheart.

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

I don't have much, but I have hugs and love. *shares them with you*

[saturnalia.livejournal.com]

*hugs, a lot*

(Just out of interest, how do they think thyroid problems might be involved? My thyroid's been giving me trouble since about age eleven, so I'm kind of curious. Feel free to ignore this comment if I'm being too personal!)

Anything we can do to help? Write you drabbles, rec you fic, send chocolate in the post?

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

Has no answers only **hugs**.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

Keeping you in my thoughts, dear. I know it's hard, but drag yourself in and stay as long as humanly possible. Because they'll respect you for making the effort, and they'll realize how much you really do love the job. So this is me, cheering you on. November will come. And I have to hope they'll find out what's up.

In the meanwhile, I'm here for you, hon. Many hugs.

[unravels.livejournal.com]

:[ I know how badly that sucks, not even knowing what the problem is. And November. Argh. Anything I can do? Do you need drugs/distraction/random acts of tea? I... still don't know what to do about this stupid ocean problem. I will think of something.

[kenovay.livejournal.com]

i really hate to see you being knocked back like this, because you've pulled your life together so awe-inspiringly amazingly recently.

So, just. I have my fingers crossed. Love you.