(no subject)

[nny]

My brain is a slippery thing, and I'm not talking literally although obviously it's that too. It's ever so difficult to have any idea of what's going on in here.

It's like a jigsaw puzzle, I guess. Except it's not, because there are so many different directions to twist any theory that the possibility you'll get close to the truth is impossibly distant at best.

Everything I say about myself is a lie, because my experience shapes everything I say and my subconscious weighs in and I look at things from exactly my height and through eyes exactly my colour and there's no way it's possible to replicate, so from where you stand everything I say is a lie. See?

I'm both the best and worst qualified to work out what's going on in my head, because I can never explain precisely what's going on and equally I can never take a step back and view things from an unbiased perspective.

Every lie I tell myself layers over all the others until you get something that's almost a kind of truth, if incomplete and inconsistent and sometimes self-contradictory. But each of you only holds a part of it, so maybe if you layer your opinions over each other you'll get something even closer to my existence then my perception of the real me.

Except it won't be, of course, because by then I'll have shifted and everything will be a little bit out of focus again.

By which I mean I am still having revelations about who I am and what I think and feel and believe. And it takes a while for me to think them through and work them out and see if they're real, and a lot of the time I accept them as truths and don't bother, which adds to the hermitshell of lies. And none of you knows me as well as I'd like/dislike you to because I can never remember who I've told what and which bits I'm lying about to myself.

I don't think anyone will ever understand me fully, and I think that the acceptance of that is probably a good thing. It frees me up to take a look around at the leaves changing colour and the students that I help out and all the things I don't know about, and try and fit those in here with me.

*grins*

I have no clue what this post is about - I'm in a lot of pain and I've neglected painkillers, and I don't think I'm thinking particularly straight, but then again I'm not so sure it actually matters. You've read it now, anyway, and some of the words went together vaguely prettily. My work here is done.

Comments

[midnight-violet.livejournal.com]

you make my brain ache. love you. its how they make pearls as well as shells, all that stuff that layers up. as someone said to Bruce Wayne only to have Batman throw it back at them, its what you do not who you are "underneath" that matters... don't know if i agree, entirely, but i think i mean, the stuff you do, the stuff you notice, thats part of the you anyway.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*grins* all very true. Everything is a part of me. I need to read some Jung.

How's it going, sweetcheeks?

[midnight-violet.livejournal.com]

not so clever. i appear to have developed fairly nasty mouse phobia- im going home for the weekend to get some sleep, and i had really hoped to be a grownup and stay away til christmas! had interview for job yesterday that involved bookselling and callcentre style work- if they get back to me with the usual you-havent-got-the-right-experience line i will throw things.
Other than that- trying to worm way into a theatre society, and get a job, and, well, alsorts. any objections to a phone call over the weekend? i've gotta go do ironing and stuff.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Surely, a call would be dandy. Make sure it's vaguely late in the day, though, 'cos I've started playing at the mindeating bar again. ;)

[midnight-violet.livejournal.com]

*rolls eyes*.. y'know, its only having lived with you that i can quite believe what that means, in time terms.:P

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

I don't really have anything to say to this except I don't know how much of that is inevitable and how much is us being weird and overanalytical, but I get it. Absolutely.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I'm glad one of us does. :D

[wyrmie.livejournal.com]

Um. You don't know me, but I enjoy your writing, and reading things like this where you're much more impressively thinky than I could ever hope to be because I get bored often in the middle of trying to write down trains of thought. I just wanted to say, yes. I think I see what you're saying, as much as someone of a different height can.

And then all of the lies are layered, and every lie you tell about who you are changes what it's trying to describe, so every time you say something that might be the truth when you say it, it stops being completely true shortly thereafter. Just by trying to identify who you are and what you're feeling, you change it.

And by the general you here, I mean me, naturally, seeing as how I'm the only person whose thought processes I can accurately track. But yes. Identity and truth and things are strange. It's difficult to not try to understand.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*grins*

Heisenberg's uncertainty principle! Or at least the commonly accepted not-quite-correct interpretation of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle that is all I understand of it, I'm not a mathmetician/physicist/whatever. Nah, I'm a happy proponent of the entirely wooly sciences, like English Lit and sheep shearing.

It is absolutely difficult to not try to understand. But I find it far easier to admit I don't than to pretend like I do and frustrate people because I'm not quite getting it. Of course, it might frustrate people that I'm making no attempt to get it, but frankly there's no pleasing everyone.

By which I think I mean thank you for your comment. Possibly. It's kinda hard to tell because my brain's acting up today. :D