(no subject)

[nny]

I still feel a bit crappy after my surgery, I feel like I'm constantly running a slight temperature and my stomach is deeply unhappy with its existence, so I've made a doctors appointment for Thursday. While I'm there I'm going to talk anti-depressants again, I think.

A lot of the time I fool myself that I'm absolutely fine, but the pecarious nature of that 'fine' is kind of an issue. What I mean is I'm fine while I've got a routine and while I hold absolutely no expectations for myself; as soon as there's a holiday, or PMT, or a deadline, or anything remotely related to creativity, I fall to pieces in a heartbeat.

ION: I've been thinking about apologies, lately. About how part of growing up is acknowledging and accepting your screw ups and apologising for them, and moving on; also about how sometimes apologies cannot or should not be made - because the realisation came too late, because it would just make things worse, because the other person doesn't want to hear it from you. And that's important too - accepting that sometimes you don't get to make yourself feel better (through apology or public self-flagellation, whatever). Sometimes I'm a douche canoe - through ignorance rather than malice, but it's just as bad - and sometimes I don't get to atone for that. Sometimes people are going to just think I'm a douche canoe. And all I can do about it is be better next time.

It sucks, but it's important to know.

Comments

[sasha_feather]

There are some other models of atonement outside of making apologies: forgiving yourself, and atoning through good works. And trying to forgive someone else who has mistreated you, in like, a karmic cycle.

[nny]

You're absolutely right, yeah, I didn't mean to discount those, and those are things I actually make the effort to do where possible. I am a big believer in paying things forward, always, especially where it's not possible to pay things back.

The forgiving myself, though, is the difficult part. That's the bit I struggle with massively, and why the lack of ability to atone is difficult for me. I need external validation in all things, and I really need better ways to work and develop myself to get rid of that need.

[sasha_feather]

Nah, <33333

[nny]

*snrts*

EITHER THAT OR SPEND MORE TIME HERE people are wonderful here <3 :D

[siegeofangels]

<3 aww I hope your tum feels better soon. :(

[silveraspen]

Good move on making the doctor's appointment - those sorts of symptoms post-surgery are always good to get checked out. <3

The art of the apology is a valuable and difficult one, because you're right; it needs to be for the benefit of the other person, not for you alone. If that makes sense.