I have trust issues.
I don't like writing stuff. I don't like writing stuff and posting it and waiting (im)patiently for comments. I don't like having it somewhere so people can point and mock. I don't like the idea that people can show it to their friends and laugh at the idea that I think I can write. I love writing in chat, the back and forth, the give and take, the transience of it. I love instant reactions. I love that I can't look back over it and pick it to pieces and despair at its hackneyed phrasing and poor characterisation. I love manipulating with hands that aren't mine, typing endearments with fingers that are pretending, just now, that they don't belong to me. Incoherence due to lack of sleep just makes life interesting. Maybe I should save the conversations I have... but maybe that would kill it. I've found a way I can write just now, and I think I'll stick with it. It's why my snippets are always snippets- if I ever have to close something and open it again you can pretty much guarantee it'll never be posted. I drabble, I post ficlets, anything that I can type directly into the "update journal" big white box and click on 'post' and forget. Pretend I didn't do it. Pretend that no one's watching. Then there's not so much anticipation, and any comments make me squee and squirm and wriggle instead of being disappointed there aren't more. (Yes, I'm shallow. What of it?) I don't know how to beat this. I don't know how to stop trying again and again and again and again to continue where I left off, when the words were flowing perfectly and I just couldn't type one more thing before I slept but it was okay because I made notes on a pad, I knew where I was going, I had little phrases mapped out and didn't *they* sound stupid the next day? And delete, again. Delete, a-fucking-gain. I don't like writing stuff.
Why do I kid myself?
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