(no subject)

I ate solid food (that wasn't bread) for the first time in three days yesterday, and my stomach very kindly let me know what a mistake I was making and in no uncertain terms insisted I go back onto the soup. However, I'm feeling better enough that I'm going to go out and buy vegetables and make my own soup. I'm also tempted to bake, which is surely some kind of exquisite torture cooked up by my stomach to make my brain hurt, or vice versa - we'll ignore it, in any case, but keep the urge in mind for when I'm feeling better.

Whether or not I go to brokeback again tonight depends on my stomach more than anything.

Today's going to be spent erranding - superdrug for shampoo and tweezy things, vegetables, doing laundry, processing some apps, probably. I want to write something but I'm not sure what - something with no pressure. Something where people won't tell me I'm OOC. Original stuff, maybe; I don't know.

What I will say is reassuring, though, is that I wrote an out-of-bar post for milliways_bar's Aziraphael, then decided that it stood well enough on its own to post to lower_tadfield. (Occasionally I get a wave of nostalgia and potter over to remind them that I exist). It seemed to go down well, and the characterisation/character voice was praised.

It's affirming to think that I've been playing him for over a year and a half, now, and although he's changed in many ways and his reactions to things have changed in many ways, he's still IC enough for people to say that.

As for myself, mentally, I'm feeling Better. It won't last of course, but I think I'm making real progress. I'm still going to have fits of depression, I've come to terms with that, but I think... well, steps have been taken in areas in which steps were pretty necessary. I'm trying to believe in myself a bit more because although I do have faults, and no one recognises them better than me (doesn't act on them, just recognises them) there are other parts, too. I do have good points.

It's sporadic stupidly heavy showers of rain followed by major sun, today. Best kind of weather, I reckon.

I'm happy.

(no subject)

Conclusion: Not going to brokeback.

Mrgleblech.

People are getting better at applications at Milliways. It's so nice when people can be taught, eventually. *grins*

I've not done all the apps I should have; I'll do more later when stomach is less determined to see me dead.

*potters off to watch Master and Commander while flatmates are out*

(no subject)

Two steps forward, one step back.

That's all it is.

I can cope.







Stomach now rejecting soup also. And I cannot take any more time off work without, like, losing my job.

The aggravating thing is that the lows are probably so bad because I'm trying so much harder. If I don't care, then I don't feel so bloody low when things go wrong. And I'm trying so hard to care, and to involve myself with life, and to stop hiding. And things I've done before keep coming back and smacking me in the mouth, and longstanding situations or problems with me or whatever keep announcing themselves, and the urge to run away is close to overwhelming because now these are things that I have to deal with.

Hiding was easier.


*sighs* It's just the step back.

I can cope.