(no subject)

I never used to catch my own eye in the mirror. Or, second option, I'd lean close enough that my eyes were all I could see. Try to decide if they were green or blue or grey, tilt my head slowly from one side to the other and look at the way they gently roll. It was okay if it was shapes. It was okay if I seperated it into the shapes that made up my face, it was easier to deal with then.

The occasional break from that was almost worse. The times when I left the house thinking... hey. I actually look okay. Good, even. Days when I left the house and didn't mind when people looked at me, didn't immediately assume that everyone and anyone laughing in my vicinity was laughing at me.

It's a very special kind of arrogance.

Those days were worse because of the mirrors, later, that told me the truth. The mirrors in the ladies that I wouldn't be able to avoid, the ones that made me sit in the cubicle and lock the door and try to breathe past the sick feeling in my stomach for a while. And then I'd go out and drink until I fell over and made people laugh and couldn't even see the mirrors any more.

But I'm getting better. Little by little.

I make an effort, now. I make an effort to look in mirrors every day and not feel guilty about it. I make the effort to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to do that, that I'm not wasting my time, that no one else in the vicinity is privately sniggering, wondering why the hell I would even bother. I look in mirrors every day and most of the time I think I look pretty okay. Sometimes I look really good, actually, and while it's still a surprise at least I've stopped telling myself it's a trick of the light.

Reflections in shop windows still surprise me, sometimes. Still catch me unawares and make me feel a little sick, but I'm getting better.

Little by little.




I'm sorry that sometimes I talk too much, and do too many memes, and require constant validation. I think I'm starting to get to a point where I can actually believe in myself, sometimes, just... it's difficult. But right now, I'm doing okay.

(no subject)

I never actually knew that egg rolls were spring rolls. I had always wondered.

And I feel it's somehow wrong and immoral that my love for Hugh Laurie just increased ridiculously because I have learned that he has, in fact, castrated a sheep.

(no subject)

I just went to the library and got a book by Alain de Botton, and found out that, sadly, the William Dampier books haven't been seen since 1998, although the area of the stacks they were supposed to be in smells oddly of bananas.

(Okay, I made that last bit up.)

I also checked out my old favourite haunt and have heard of about two of the bands playing there - man, it's been a while.

I got asked out on the way to the library, oddly enough, but I didn't say yes because he had dreadful teeth and reminded me of my mate's ex, Sleaze. You may remember that I really didn't like him much. Then, on the way back, I got a huge grin and a HHHALLO! as a bloke sailed past on his bike. I was most amused.


ETA: Odd thought: I don't think I want to see Mandy Patinkin in anything else. I think it would ruin my happy illusions.