(no subject)

[nny]

I never used to catch my own eye in the mirror. Or, second option, I'd lean close enough that my eyes were all I could see. Try to decide if they were green or blue or grey, tilt my head slowly from one side to the other and look at the way they gently roll. It was okay if it was shapes. It was okay if I seperated it into the shapes that made up my face, it was easier to deal with then.

The occasional break from that was almost worse. The times when I left the house thinking... hey. I actually look okay. Good, even. Days when I left the house and didn't mind when people looked at me, didn't immediately assume that everyone and anyone laughing in my vicinity was laughing at me.

It's a very special kind of arrogance.

Those days were worse because of the mirrors, later, that told me the truth. The mirrors in the ladies that I wouldn't be able to avoid, the ones that made me sit in the cubicle and lock the door and try to breathe past the sick feeling in my stomach for a while. And then I'd go out and drink until I fell over and made people laugh and couldn't even see the mirrors any more.

But I'm getting better. Little by little.

I make an effort, now. I make an effort to look in mirrors every day and not feel guilty about it. I make the effort to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to do that, that I'm not wasting my time, that no one else in the vicinity is privately sniggering, wondering why the hell I would even bother. I look in mirrors every day and most of the time I think I look pretty okay. Sometimes I look really good, actually, and while it's still a surprise at least I've stopped telling myself it's a trick of the light.

Reflections in shop windows still surprise me, sometimes. Still catch me unawares and make me feel a little sick, but I'm getting better.

Little by little.




I'm sorry that sometimes I talk too much, and do too many memes, and require constant validation. I think I'm starting to get to a point where I can actually believe in myself, sometimes, just... it's difficult. But right now, I'm doing okay.

Comments

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

I adore you.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

It's absolutely reciprocated. I'd tell you that over IM but I'm kinda avoiding messenger right now. I keep getting stupidly stressed when people ping me unexpectedly, in case I need to know something or need to talk interestingly or something. I'm in a bit of a bubble here at home and I'm feeling slightly fragile and slightly unreal. But getting better!

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

*nods*

I feel you about the bubble. And I'm kind of not doing so well with the online lately. And I posted a totally emo and whiny post last night that I made private this morning because it was horrid.

I'm glad you're getting better. I worry about you, from so far away. *snuggles*

[agonistes]

You know, you're the only person I've ever let stick their face in my cleavage. This is not meant to be a commentary on your powers of hott. (Which is also not to say that you have no powers of hott.) It is more that you exude comfortableness. And I think you should know that.

Also? You're totally hott. :D So you shouldn't feel guilty. And nobody is sniggering.

Also, I get it.

And you do not talk too much.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*grins*

I feel so very honoured, and I'm not even kidding. You have an excellent cleavage.

Thank you.

[cow.livejournal.com]

I'll probably never get to meet you, but I really like reading your journal. And a lot of this is very difficult stuff. I've been dealing with my own issues for years, so maybe it's just nice to be able to see someone else's for a change.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. It's really good of you to say. :)

[dopplegl.livejournal.com]

It's posts like this that only act to remind me of how much I really do love you. You're such an amazing person with so much insight into life that I don't think you know you have. But you do.

I am so so glad I got to meet you.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

And I'm ridiculously glad I got to meet you too. I love you, sweetness. Come live with me and be my laugh. :D

[batyatoon]

... May I keep "Come live with me and be my laugh"? Because it is beautiful.

(Also, I like and admire you lots.)

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Hee, you absolutely may! I have a tendency towards mangling that saying. As far as I can recall I've used loofah, leaf and loaf. XD

(And I like and admire you too, and you're UKing next year, yes?)

[batyatoon]

I am! :D I don't know if I'll have any time at all outside the con, but ... well, come to the con and I'll be there!

(I like loofah, too.)

[schiarire.livejournal.com]

Ummm, Nny, you are the most gorgeous person I have ever met, in every sense of the word. If we are ever old and impossibly single I'm fucking proposing.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I read this last night and I didn't respond then 'cos it made me cry. I love you, Ji. And I am so gonna hold you to that. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[schiarire.livejournal.com]

I DID NOT MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY.

I am 100% serious however. Give me a sell-by age and I will be there.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

What I want to say doesn't need saying in a public place because I am secretative today, so I just say that you don't talk too much. And when you're sure of yourself you're even more brilliant.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*clings*

Thank you. Just... yeah. Thank you.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

Ps: you make me happy

[soupytwist.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You know what I think about this, so, yeah. I love you. I feel compelled to add, however, that I've never once thought you were talking too much.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I wish you'd talk MORE on your journal. Sometimes I want to request posts from you, 'cos you always say things SO WELL.

And I just watched Hugh Laurie on QI and he has castrated a sheep and I think I'm in love...

[linnpuzzle.livejournal.com]

*has nothing meaningful to say*

*adores you*

Also, you do NOT talk too much.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

*adores you also. Ridiculous amounts*

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

You are a beautiful person. And I mean that inside more than out, as I've not seen you. You are an amazing person, and I am glad things are getting better for you.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

...thanks so much. YOu have no idea how much it means to hear that.

*hugs*

[essayel.livejournal.com]

*huggles* it's good to talk.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Heee. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, BT ADVERTS!

Thanks, sweet.

[essayel.livejournal.com]

oooooooooooooooooh *lusts after books in your icon*

[darkerbreed.livejournal.com]

I came upon this post through my flist. (I hope you don't mind a total stranger replying here.) I just had to tell you that you've described it exactly. I can't even put into words..Finally somebody understands.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't mind, I do the exact same thing.

And I wish you didn't know how it felt, because it sucks, but at least you know you're not alone. That's something, right?

And it gets better.

[josepheenie.livejournal.com]

hey that's perfectly normal hun.... some days I wake up and think I almost look pretty and others a mirror is the last thing I need. This is not helped by the fact that there is a huuuge mirror in the lift up to my level, with a seam down the middle so for the 5 seconds or so as you get into the lift you look vast :(

I tend to avoid mirrors that make me unhappy. The mirrors in topshop being some of these. Also, a friend of mine has a mirror which is possibly grotesque.. makes my hips look like they belong on an elephant (although she loves it because she is completely lacking hips).

Basically what I wanted to say is that you're not alone here... (and although I am bordering on vain most days, it was only through several months therapy I got there - uni forced me to go)

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweet. I appreciate the comment. :)

[josepheenie.livejournal.com]

no problem. I tend to comment on heartfelt posts if they relate to me. Sometimes it's that it's a relief to know it is not just me that gets like it, or wanting to tell other people it isn't just them. (oh this makes sense in my mind)

Sorry if I seem pushy, it's just that you and I are both kinda killing time in the same city. We may get on, we may not, and although I do have housemates here, you can never know too many people :D

[unravels.livejournal.com]

I am so, so glad to see that you feel like you're getting better. And I love you. But you know this. But I say it anyway. ♥

[villainny.livejournal.com]

And you know I love you too.

*clings*

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Aw. There are some days when I really lament the way you can't just reach out and hug someone on eljay. Cos I'm no good at words, not when they're real, and they mean anything. But, well, I know how you feel. Admittedly my own experience of those problems is somewhat less severe due to an overdraught of vanity (and logic, I suppose), but I can extrapolate. Hang in there.