(no subject)

[nny]

*turns off IP logging*

So.

*steeples fingers*

Go on. Admit it. You have a crush on someone on LJ. It's okay, I *understand*. I'm not going to judge you. I just think it's unhealthy bottling these things up. You need to tell someone, even if it's anonymous.

*puts on Caring Face*

I'm listening. *g*

Comments

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

OH YES PARALLAX YES YES YES!

... Sorry. My brain sort of parsed your data and came up with the most relevant input. ;) You do know that people have been begging me (and you) for more of this series? No pressure, of course... (uh... really, not trying to Dom here...), but then I get another chance to let rip on your wonderful Harry. I've never been Snape more truly than when your Harry roused him to wakefulness. It's sort of like crack. For me. I just feel sorry for poor Snape. :D

And... er. About the Dom thing? Um. *blushes* I never thought I was being... that obvious... But now that I look back on it, certainly seems like I've been making myself pretty self-evident. (And then there was that stupid comment I made in response to someone's bogus claim that in D/s, subs must think of themselves as inferior, and I was like: 'WTF? Not all Doms want that; some would be insulted by it.' Er. Angry Dom comment. Obvious, yeah. Very.)

*hits self*

And here I thought that my avidly begging the authors might make people think otherwise!

What fascinates me the most about your statement, though, is that I'm 'itchy or dissatisfied' in situations where I don't have control--honestly, I'm not taking offense, because that is so TRUE in RL--but could you give me examples? I'm rather alarmed that I might be leaking RL stuff all over the place and not noticing it. I like withholding information, as you yourself have said. :|

And actually, I think of myself as quite gentle and considerate in RL. Um. Unless someone asks me not to be. I've always tried to keep a very tight reign on the less pleasant aspects of my tastes, which is why fandom's proved to be so cathartic for me, I guess.

What about you? Flexible/bottom, right? Oh, I'm getting it wrong. It's just that your Harry... hmm. How much have we started to think of ourselves as our characters? As Snape would say: 'The mask becomes the skin.'

And I obviously need coffee now.

*smacks Sin's bottom lightly*

Terrify all those Muggles out of the lab. You've got Harry to write!

[eponis.livejournal.com]

You do know that people have been begging me (and you) for more of this series?

Yes, I know, and I really am sorry . . . just overlapping periods of sickness and busyness and depression have kept me from writing anything in the last couple of weeks, really. But Parallax, honey - it's GORGEOUS and perfect and I'm really unworthy of it, though you're being unnecessarily humble (though sweet!) in sending people over to me . . .

Anyway.

About the Dom thing? Um. *blushes* I never thought I was being... that obvious...

Well, I should've qualified my statement by saying that not everything I mentioned is necessarily that obvious; it probably takes someone as obsessively infatuated curious about you the person as I am to pick up on everything. But to answer your specific comments . . .

*hits self*

Oh, don't do that, darling! The fact that your strong personality comes through in your words, even when they're not directly self-revelatory, is one of the most charming things about you. I can understand, though, the irritation of not being able to control what others understand of you . . .

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<i>You do know that people have been begging me (and you) for more of this series?</i>

Yes, I know, and I really am sorry . . . just overlapping periods of sickness and busyness and depression have kept me from writing anything in the last couple of weeks, really. But Parallax, honey - it's GORGEOUS and perfect and I'm really unworthy of it, though you're being unnecessarily humble (though sweet!) in sending people over to me . . .

Anyway.

<i>About the Dom thing? Um. *blushes* I never thought I was being... that obvious...</i>

Well, I should've qualified my statement by saying that not everything I mentioned is necessarily that obvious; it probably takes someone as <strike>obsessively infatuated</strike> curious about <i>you</i> the person as I am to pick up on everything. But to answer your specific comments . . .

<i>*hits self*</i>

Oh, don't do that, darling! The fact that your strong personality comes through in your words, even when they're not directly self-revelatory, is one of the most charming things about you. I can understand, though, the irritation of not being able to control what others understand of you . . .

<that I'm 'itchy or dissatisfied' in situations where I don't have control--honestly, I'm not taking offense, because that is so TRUE in RL--but could you give me examples?>

::chuckle:: Well, this very comment, in which you're annoyed that you haven't been able to maintain a completely blank veil of anonymity, is one. But others . . . your impatience when authors don't update favorite stories or respond to challenges; your frustration when issues you care about (e.g. slash, BSDM, gender issues) are misconstrued by others; and, for that matter, the exasperatingly enticing puzzle of characters who should be young, innocent, and easily-broken, but refuse to be tamed. Am I being accurate here, or just making things up? (I've predicted wrongly before . . .)

<i>And actually, I think of myself as quite gentle and considerate in RL.</i>

Oh, I believe you, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise; "dom" certainly doesn't equate to "constantly cruel or controlling." Likewise, in many RL situations, I tend to lead, to organize, to stand up for things I care about. Sometimes, I think we even extend further into the opposite direction than an "average" person might, simply out of a desire to conquer that "darker" self within.

<i>What about you? Flexible/bottom, right? Oh, I'm getting it wrong.</i>

No, you're not . . . . .

<i>How much have we started to think of ourselves as our characters? As Snape would say: 'The mask becomes the skin.'</i>

I've thought of this a good deal, and I'm not sure it's that simple. We choose our masks to fit our skin, and the masks change in reaction to the face underneath - I choose to identify with Harry rather than Sirius, but conversely, my mental image of Harry is influenced by myself, and therefore different from others'. But you're right, though: the roles we play become first familiar, then inseparable, then true.

<i>*smacks Sin's bottom lightly* Terrify all those Muggles out of the lab. You've got Harry to write!</i>

::half-curtseys, head bowed:: I will!

(As a side note - I know you prefer to avoid gender, but sometimes natural speech makes it very difficult to avoid. Which do you prefer: Master/Mistress/something else? Him/her/hir/something else? She/he/(s)he/it/something else?)

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, no need to be sorry! Actually, I sort of feel guilty for jumping all over you about the fic; it's just my biological reaction to your writing, is all. *blushes* Um. No pressure.

:) Really, it's your writing. You just... push my buttons. Few people can do that so FLAWLESSLY. (Perhaps because you understand something of my perversions? Hmmm. I mean, Snape's. Er. Of course.)

But others . . . your impatience when authors don't update favorite stories or respond to challenges; your frustration when issues you care about (e.g. slash, BSDM, gender issues) are misconstrued by others; and, for that matter, the exasperatingly enticing puzzle of characters who should be young, innocent, and easily-broken, but refuse to be tamed.

Uh. I. How do you...? *coughs*

Darn it. So you HAVE been reading my gender and D/s rants, then? Um. And here I thought I could somehow avoid the synthesizing of all that data. (And why can't I stop using the word 'data'? Argh.)

You make me smile in an impressed and vaguely alarmed fashion. 'Exasperatingly enticing' young characters indeed... Are my weaknesses that transparent to you? You know very well my obsession with innocence, I suppose, and its stubbornness--although it depends on the individual in question. Some children (and adults) let it shatter as though it were glass--others don't seem to be able to let go of it, no matter what happens, no matter what they're subjected to. Their innocence might burn around the edges, might be soured and bitter and scorched, but its purity still survives. These characters fascinate me. That is why Harry generally interests me so much more than Draco does--I can imagine Draco giving up his innocence easily, without any qualms--shedding it almost gratefully, even if the shedding of it hurts. Harry, on the other hand, inspires that peculiarly contradictory feeling of wanting to destroy his innocence and preserve it all at once--he is such a very difficult knot to untie, and the mind plays and plays with it.

But yes--about characters who should be easily-broken but aren't--that's the joy of them, though, isn't it? Who would want someone who bent easily, twisted easily, gave way without a spark? It would be a tragedy to see something like that break. (And yet one tries to break it, because that's the POINT, after all--to push and push and demand subservience, and both hate and cherish the moment in which someone like Harry refuses to give way.)

... Hang on a second. How did I end up talking about Harry again?

*backtracks*

It appears that you're not the only one who has fixations, Sinope. It annoys me that mine are so self-evident. (And that I still can't be bothered censoring myself. THAT bothers me most of all!)

:D

So. No. Um. You aren't wrong. At all.

No, you're not . . . . .

Oh, come on. Is that all I get? *raises eyebrow* No specifics?

... Ah, well. One can only hope. And considering that I keep my mouth shut regarding RL details, I can hardly call upon you to do any differently!

I've thought of this a good deal, and I'm not sure it's that simple. We choose our masks to fit our skin, and the masks change in reaction to the face underneath...

Indeed; but the face too changes to fit the mask at times. I've known people who forget, after years and years of pretending, who they really are. It makes bile rise in my throat--it's like watching a psychological suicide. What was it that Kierkegaard said? 'They are already disintegrated before they die.'

Ack. Don't bring up existentialism around me, or you'll get tortured with things like this! :D

And honey, I'm happy that there's a bit of Harry in you. Else I wouldn't get quite so much satisfaction out of interacting with you. :D

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

As for the titles etcetera--ah, both 'hir' and 's/he' would be acceptable. I've grown tired of reminding people, so I no longer bother 'correcting' them when they refer to me as 'he' or 'she'. I adore the freedom that being genderless affords me online; I don't like lying, so I choose to withhold all information instead. *grins* If I admitted to being a man, I'd be in DEEP trouble with the law for repeatedly writing chan (I can hardly get away with calling it a one-time experiment, now can I?); however, as a woman, I'd have all these labels that don't fit me either. So I have a pleasant middle-ground online; and switchknife isn't me, after all--it's merely a personality fragment, and it has no gender unless I choose to impart it with one. (Which I don't.)

Take your time with the story, and no pressure if you choose not to continue it!

*bites nails quietly*

[eponis.livejournal.com]

both 'hir' and 's/he' would be acceptable

Okie. I shall attempt to speak accordingly. You never responded to the Master/Mistress/?, though . . .?

Take your time with the story, and no pressure if you choose not to continue it!

I still do want to write it, but . . . well, ever since my keyboard went out, writing has been irritating; I feel uncomfortable writing anything explicit in a computer lab or a physical notebook, but writing on my own computer is incredibly tedious. Not to mention busyness, etc. At any rate, I'll write it as soon as I can . . .

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

You never responded to the Master/Mistress/?, though . . .?

*cough* That would be... far too distracting, I'm afraid. I think I might stop seeing anyone who addressed me like that as just a fandom friend, and that's... not a good idea. I take titles quite seriously, you see--no frivolity there. ;) I'd rather keep them out of FL.

And LOL, you don't have to comply to my eccentric ideas about gender-neutral language! If you find it inconvenient, call me 'he' or 'she' as you will. :) Enough people do it already, so it won't make a difference... This is what I 'prefer', but it's hardly a requirement. I just step in when other people start to argue about it, which I find most amusing and rather silly. I shalt not descend with a flaming sword if you choose to use gendered pronouns. ;)

A pity about your keyboard--damn keyboards. *glares at Sin's keyboard* Nevertheless, I'm happy to see that you're willing to continue the series; take your time if you don't want to write smut in a public place. (Or try finding a computer way, way back in the lab...

... Sorry.)

:D!

[eponis.livejournal.com]

I take titles quite seriously, you see--no frivolity there.

Ah - I apologize for my presumption.

(I think that the problem with me is that everything, everything, is a discrete game. Some games may be more serious than others, but none are more significant beyond the degree to which they can be well-played. And it's sometimes too easy for me to forget that for some people, game moves actually have real significance.

All of which is, I think, an interesting distinction to your own compartmentalization of people, e.g. "fandom friends", which seems intuitively non-natural for me. People are people, and sometimes they choose to engage in games with other people, often multiple games at the same time.

And it's extraordinarily late for me, and I really don't think I'm making much sense, and I'll just shut up right now.)

Eep, too long. Response part one . . .

[eponis.livejournal.com]

You just... push my buttons. Few people can do that so FLAWLESSLY.

Hee. I'm . . . extraordinarily pleased that I can. Something interesting, though, which I'm not sure how to treat, is that the converse generally hasn't been true. That is, I absolutely love your writing - it's always wonderfully characterized and deliciously thought-provoking - but it rarely, to be blunt, is extremely arousing. And I've tried to ponder why, particularly as many of the kinks you write about are so very close to my own. The only answer I've been able to think of so far is that they're too close. For example, in your recent fic about Macnair, you reminded me strongly of a page I wrote in early high school (not even an integrated fic), in which I carefully described a serial killer dissecting his victim in the most painful way possible. I also remember my reaction to seeing that paper again while sorting through my things at the end of high school: I was so unsettled that I very nearly threw it away - and that was my reaction to your fic. I think that perhaps your writing hits my "darker side" so uncannily well that I'm often more frightened than aroused, if that makes any sense.

And here I thought I could somehow avoid the synthesizing of all that data.

It's interesting that you put it that way, because I've very often found myself thinking the opposite: an intense longing for someone to care enough to fit together the data points and finally understand the whole, rather than the lone facet intended for him or her. Perhaps, though, that's just my own thinking processes speaking; I honestly hold it as an axiom that to know a person completely, to understand their motivations and dreams and secrets and desires, is inevitably to love them.

Which is to say that I'm sorry for frightening you; quite the opposite, I intended the highest compliment.

It would be a tragedy to see something like that break. (And yet one tries to break it, because that's the POINT, after all--to push and push and demand subservience, and both hate and cherish the moment in which someone like Harry refuses to give way.)

Oh, God. How do you hit my weak spots so well?

I don't recall you being an anime fan, but have you ever seen Evangelion? I saw it last week, and it literally reduced me to curling up and weeping. (Granted, I was depressed at the time, but nevertheless this is extremely rare for me.) At any rate, the aspects that hurt so badly reminded me of my long-ago reading of Ender's Game, so.

That process you just described, of pushing the boys (the main character of Evangelion's also a young boy) until they could-break-but-don't - this was what made me hate the people in Eva and Ender's Game. Because in some sense, I'd rather they break than lose their innocence - there are some things that should not, should never, be borne. To force another person into that place, where they must become either twisted or broken, is to me one of the greatest crimes imaginable. And again, maybe I am reacting so forcefully because these are precisely the scenarios that my mind plays with, but . . . oh, God, what they did in that book and that series was to forcibly destroy/change a human spirit, and that affects me on a deep, gut level.

Oh, come on. Is that all I get? *raises eyebrow* No specifics? ... Ah, well. One can only hope. And considering that I keep my mouth shut regarding RL details, I can hardly call upon you to do any differently!

::laughs:: What specifics did you want? If they're in terms of actual history, mine is really rather boring. If they're in terms of fantasies, then really, darling, a popular public post is not the place I'd choose. ;-)

. . . and two.

[eponis.livejournal.com]

but the face too changes to fit the mask at times. I've known people who forget, after years and years of pretending, who they really are. It makes bile rise in my throat--it's like watching a psychological suicide. What was it that Kierkegaard said? 'They are already disintegrated before they die.'

You quoted Kierkegaard. Switch, if I didn't already have a raging crush on you, I most certainly would now.

Ahem. Yes, yes, you're exactly right, and I agree entirely. But what of cases where it's intentional? For example, the things I've alluded to above, the dark potential that lies within my mind - whereas once I dwelt on it, and it grew to dominate my thoughts, I choose now to live in defiance of it. Not denial, of course, but is it really that wrong to make ourselves appear to be the person we wish we were, in hopes of one day making it true?

Don't bring up existentialism around me, or you'll get tortured with things like this!

If this is torture, then I officially appoint you my punisher, and I've been a bad, bad girl. ;-)

Oh, and, Switchknife darling, either you're intentionally hiding your normal style, or you haven't responded to the crush meme yet . . . ? ::bats eyelashes coyly, in an attempt to hide the gleam of insatiable curiosity in her eyes::