(no subject)

[nny]

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I perpetrated the crush meme, and was frankly blown away by the huge response I got. Every now and again I still get comment notifications from it, still get people anonymously declaring their feelings for someone. Some are friendly crushes, some teasing, but some people seem to have genuinely strong feelings for people they only know online.

Recent events have got me thinking. I've always been highly sceptical of the whole 'net love thing, but now two of my friends are happy, in love, and absolutely adorable together, and suddenly I'm bordering on the converted. Where do you stand on the issue?


[Poll #358549]

If you don't want to reply to the poll, since the answers will be public, feel free to leave an anonymous comment. *g*

Comments

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

Here's the thing. I get internet crushes all the time. Different kinds, on different people, for different reasons. Not all of them are even romantic crushes - in fact a great majority of them are not. But it just so happens (as you very well know *grin*) that I do every now and then get romantic internet crushes. And here's the thing - yes, they're going to be different from crushes that you initially form on somebody you've met irl first. It has to be, just by the nature of the beast. It's going to depend on the people involved, as well. I, personally, have found that things I've started on the internet often have a healthier basis than those not because I'm so bad at face to face verbal communication, but more willing to be up front and honest online. And so then, that person is already prepared with the knowlege of my peculiar brand of fucked-up. ;-)

But the thing with the internet is, it's a very specialized kind of space. And what can work here may not work with real human interactions. I've had that happen. And sometimes what works here works even better face to face. I've now had that happen, as well.

So, I haven't really answered your questions, now have I? I suppose what I mean to say is, internet crushes are fine. They are happy and they are fun, and they make your heart beat a little faster, and make you smile when you open your e-mail or your IM. And most of the times, it's just that. And that can be okay, in and of itself. But every now and then, it's something more more, and sometimes it's worth it.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I like that. That it's a specialised kind of space. I like that if I have an internet crush, it's likely to be someone I'll never meet. I think this has a basis in self confidence and lack thereof- you're not going to be openly rejected by said person. No one else will know.

Does that make sense?

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

It absolutely makes sense.

[(Anonymous)]

Honestly, I am highly skeptical of internet crushes. Sure, I believe you can love someone without seeing them, but I think that our interactions over the net are very much about how we present ourselves, and I think that when you have a relationship with someone, the person that you're attracted to has to be the person that is actually THERE, that you observe, not just the person that you're shown.

But then I can be awfully scroogey when it comes to romance and love. Oddly enough.

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

I'd like to say that I absolutely agree with what this person is saying - I am definitely skeptical of those who claim to find "true love" without having ever met the person. But simple crushes, where it's fun and nobody gets hurt (and, oftentimes, the two may never meet), I can't see the harm in that, if it brings a smile to somebody's face.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

This'd be why I want to meet more of my online friends. But... in RL people can be equally as... careful. Projecting what they want, or what they think others want.

[miraielle.livejournal.com]

So, long before Milliways, I was a part of an online community at a particular website. Still am, in fact, although I'm not around it as much anymore.

In any case, the point being: we joke that it's actually a dating service, because of the number of people who start (and stop) dating people they met there. I dated a guy from there for a while; it Really Didn't Work. However, there are also now two couples that are engaged and very much in love, and another where one of them moved from New Zealand to Colorado so they could be together - that was nearly two years ago now, and they're still going strong.

So I've seen it work; I've also seen it really seriously not work. I think, like any relationship, it depends on the people.

Sorry for any lack of coherency there; I am le tired.

[darthrami.livejournal.com]

So take a nap. ZEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!

*cough*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the info. It's odd, but cool when stuff like that works.

[sophistry]

Your inadequately-sized response boxes make the baby Jesus cry. And (*^@#$! LJ ate this the first time. It was more insightful and intelligent before, I swear.

The thing with 'net crushes is that they have the potential to be so much purer than normal crushes, as they're almost entirely based on what the crushee says and does, as opposed to what they look like. Not to mention the fact that a lot of people, myself included, can be a lot more open about who they really are online. They can talk about things they never normally would in person. With a 'net crush, odds are that you're crushing on the person, not the person's face.

However, the flip-side to that is that what we see of people online has the potential to be incredibly filtered. Ultimately, what we know of 'net friends is what they choose to put out there. Some people are honest, some people are not, and some people only selectively so. So there's always the possibility that what one is crushing on is not so much a person as a persona, an ideal that the crushee has created around themselves for the online world to see.

So, I guess my point is... that I have no point.

[(Anonymous)]

I know people I've met online and think I might possibly want to date if I met them IRL, but I'm very wary, for the reasons copinggoggles lists above. Twice, during ten years in Internet communities, I had experiences in which net personae and RL characters of people I met differed substantially. In both cases, it was nearly impossible to tell there was something untrue in the story *even after the people involved met IRL*. In both cases, what appeared -- for months on end -- to be perfectly pure and loving relationships over the net floundered when the deceptions were revealed.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I don't understand it. I guess I can see the allure of being better/smarter/prettier online than in real life, but that's what RPGs are for. :D I'd rather be me, here. The only thing people don't really know is the way I look, and well, that's probably for the best. *g*

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I think... creating a persona, although it has the potential to cause harm, is unlikely to unless you meet up with them. Does that make sense? I mean, the majority of internet crushes will stay that way, no other contact. OTOH, when it moves into the arena of IM and such... Ack. I don't know. I like to think I know the people I know, but every now and again it's revealed that no, I don't. And that hurts.

Personally... I use this as a place I *can* be me. People can either read or not. In RL you have to show a little more consideration, but I have no compunction about spamming my f-list because if they don't want it they have the choice not to read.

Also? <3

[(Anonymous)]

I've found myself getting crushes on people I know online, but I'm also really tired of all the dodges, deception and secret-keeping that tends to happen when everyone's got the Internet as a mask. It all comes down to honesty and openness in the end, and some online communities have far more of it than others -- always, I've found, the ones with solid RL backbones. Without that it's just not worth getting too emotionally involved with any of it.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Like I said above, I don't understand it. I have RPGs for when I don't want to be me. My journal I treat as a diary, and I put *me* in here. I don't keep secrets, particularly, unless they're the kind I would only tell close friends. I certainly value internet friends on teh same level as RL friends, because I like to think that people are being honest with me. I couldn't form a crush on someone I didn't know that well anyway, and I can generally tell when people are being secretive.

It's 6am. Excuse the incoherency. *g*

[gaiamyles.livejournal.com]

I am having far too much fun reading over your crush meme. *grin* Really, I"m trying to remember if I commented, and seeing if I can find which one was mine. If I can't find it, I may just have to post a new one. :D

Ok, about internet crushes. I'm terribly prone to them, though most of them are fangirlly crushes. Pretty much, if you're someone who I admire - for writing, or friendliness, or rp-ing skills, anything, really - and you interact with me, I've got a tiny crush. Nothing much, I just get a thrill from talking to people online. It feels safer, emotionally, and most of the people I've met here are brilliant and wonderful anyhow.

I really only consider myself to have one true online crush. I don't get to talk to this guy as much as I'd like to - not nearly enough - but whenever I do, I can't stop grinning. In the way it makes you feel, an online crush is the same as a regular crush. The main difference, as I see it, is how much your imagination has to fill in. You may have exchanged pictures with a person, but pictures don't capture everything. You wonder about that person's quirks, what they do when they hang out with friends...

Wow, I sound stalkerish, don't I? Really, I tend to get real-life crushes on people who I know as good friends already, so it's strange for me to get a crush on someone that I don't know that well. And I"m not really answering your question, am I? Oh well. Maybe someone else can explain it better.


By the way, I found myself in your meme. Yay!

[villainny.livejournal.com]

You don't sound stalkerish at all, you sound sweet.

I miss knowing those things about people. I want to meet more internet friends so that I can see an unforced smile, and hear the way they laugh, and I'm fascinated by accents. In my head, everyone sounds British. *g*

[gaiamyles.livejournal.com]

Wow, just randomly uncovered this comment and realized I'd never responded! Hope you don't mind me unearthing it now. :D

You're right. As rich as internet friendships can be - and some of my internet friends I consider to be just as close to me as my real friends - they still lack that certain somethign you get in physical relationships.

Which pretty much summarizes what you just said. Sorry! *grin*

[jinxster.livejournal.com]

You already have plenty of intelligent comments to mull over; I just wanted to say I smiled at your own answers! ;-D

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I was just filling in the poll so it would appear on my f-list as a graph rather than as a poll.

In case you were wondering, yes, I've crushed on internetters, and yes, it is different from RL crushes. In some ways. It has to be, really. But in other ways... well, for both RL and internet crushes I've stayed up until ridiculous-o' clock in the morning, just for the joy of being with them. In both I've attached too much importance to silly things. Internet crushes are better though, because you start out with no hope. Does that make sense?

[jinxster.livejournal.com]

Of course, it makes perfect sense.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

The problem with Internet crushes is sex, I feel.

No matter how much you love someone, how twoo your wuv seems, you cannot really be in love with them until you meet them and see if you have sexual chemistry. I will stand by this unto eternity. So often I have heard of people being OMG SO IN LUV WTF LOL and then they meet, and everyone's embarrassed and depressed.

There is the element of "purity" like Sophie said, I guess, but there's also the element of bullshit. Many of us are not like our internet personae. We're just not. And the reality of our in-person personalities can be grating, or boring, or whatever. I know quite a few people I've met from LJ who seemed like intelligent, emotionally healthy, fully contributing members of society and who, when I met them, turned out to be complete and utter crazy fuckers. For real.

Anyway. When I come visit my boyfriend in the spring, can we meet up? Because I have a CRUSH on YOUUUU. XD

Also, a final caveat on internet dating vs. LDRs. Long-distance relationships are hard for a lot of reasons, but at least I knew I liked to fuck my boyfriend before I decided to give it a shot.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I'm not interested in sex.

I'm waiting to see if this changes.

I guess that's kind of odd for a slash writer, huh? I mean, I have a sex drive. I wank. I'm sure you wanted to know that. ;) Slash turns me on, especially if it involves collars.

As it stands, I just... the idea seems so very alien to me. It doesn't make sense in my head. I've never trusted anyone enough that I would consider it. So to me, sex isn't yet an issue.

I think I'm like I am online. I have a little more confidence on the internet, because I personally hold the belief that I'm physically repellant and can't help but have that colour my interactions in RL.

And yes. Please. I want to meet you so much! You're seriously cool. I wish you were around on YM more often. *g*

[chains-of-irony.livejournal.com]

Hmm...just took a look at the crush meme - it's as I suspected, EVERYONE crushes on Sam. (copperbadge) Oh for guys who write slash.....

[jinxster.livejournal.com]

EVERYONE? Well, I'm interested in what he has between his ears, but not... er, anything else. ;-)

[vivien]

I went to two weddings last year for two sets of friends who met as a result of the on-line community I've been a part of since 1999. I wasn't able to go to the third set's wedding. So, yeah, it can happen.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I like evidence like that, it's reassuring. Thanks.