My so-called weekend
Oct. 24th, 2004 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyIt's been... odd. Many ups and downs. Main bits, cut for rambling.
The Talk
I spoke to my mum about being bisexual for the first time this weekend. I'm... actually a lot better about it than I was, because there was Initial Talk, in which there was Bad Reaction, and then there was Subsidiary Talk this morning. Essentially, when leaving the house, something was mentioned about falling in love with girls. It may have been the stupid grin on my face as I talked about going to Ireland. Regardless- essentially the reaction was "eew, disgusting, don't like girls just because you can't get a boyfriend."
Ouch.
I walked to the train station, attempting not to a) burst into tears, and b) hit something. Hard. It's the first time this subject has been broached with mum, because up until now it's never been an issue. Now, as you may have gathered, I'm rather hoping that it is. So I went to my mate Carrie's, drank white wine and vodka, watched velvet goldmine, and then wandered out about three in the morning. I felt so very emo, wandering the mean streets of Winchester, in the rain, feeling intensely sorry for myself. I ended up phoning![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
darthrami and sobbing down the phone at her... I'm sorry, lady. You have no idea how important that conversation was to me. Love you. Aaaaanyway. The general consensus seemed to be "screw your mum." Yeah, but... she's my mum!
Anyway. I got up at 7:30 this morning and settled myself in the living room with a cup of tea and 'HMS Surprise', and then mum came in looking... a little nervous, actually. We proceeded to talk about it, at great length. She asked me if I was in love, and I said that yeah, I thought I was. The fact that I have yet to meet the other person means my mother has automatically dismissed that part of it, and that's probably for the best at the moment. As you may have noticed, I'm a little insecure about it, and I'd rather not have such things shredded.
Anyway. We discussed my feelings. She asked if it was because I can't get a boyfriend, and insinuated that it might well be the influence of the Uni crowd. Since I've fancied girls since I was 13, and have been comfortable in my bisexuality since 17 (what can I say, late bloomer), I informed her that no, that really wasn't the issue. She asked how come I've always fancied boys and not girls then, and I answered that... well, her initial reaction would be why I've not mentioned anything, really. I told her that I tend to fancy more men than women, and she decided that I'm not really bisexual then. Which started more discussion about grey areas.
Essentially, she wants me to be happy. Her conception of happy is husband and kids. Mine isn't. We've agreed to disagree, and hugged lots, and I think we're okay. I think that's essentially because she's decided I'm convinced [hahahaha "she's just a girl, she's just a girl, the girl you want"... my playlist has a sense of humour] that I'm bi, and that I'll grow out of it... but at least the issue is out there. It'll make it easier later. I feel pretty relieved. I love my mum, narrow minded as she is a times.
Thoughts on coming home again
I went to see Martin Grech at the Railway last night. More on him in a moment. First off, thoughts about locals and such.
See, at college, the Railway was the pub. We went there entirely too often; you went there, and you were guaranteed to see people that you knew. I was lucky enough to have a season train ticket, since I lived in another town and yet could still spend every night in Winchester.
People have moved on. That's the way it is. I went last night and saw a couple of people I recognised, but who now consider themselves too cool to speak to me. And yet...
They're cool because everyone knows them, and they're admired. The reason that everyone knows them is because they've not gone anywhere. They're in exactly the same place as they were three, four years ago. They wear the same clothes, because they know what works. They know barmen and bouncers, and because they've always been there and they've always been cool the new generaion of college kids end up admiring them. And these people revel in the hero worship.
I'd rather go somewhere new. If your cool is established... you don't have to try. You don't have to change. And change is a necessary part of life. I think that's part of the reason I switch fandoms so much. I'll never be a BNF. Partly because I really can't write all that well, and partly because I change so often and so much that I'd imagine I don't stay within peoples' reading tastes for long enough. First got a livejournal when I was all Pottered up, and now... not so much. I rarely read Potter fic, and apart from a couple of obligations, I'm not that inspired to write it so much. Moving into GO-er pastures. I will probably change entirely again in a few months. It makes life interesting.
There was a point to that, I swear. Hmmm. I think my point was that I'd rather be unknown in somewhere new and interesting than stay where it's safe. What's your perspective on it?
Martin Grech
Man. This man's voice... comparisons with Jeff Buckley are really not overstating the case. He has beautiful tone and amazing range, and is really good at writing songs that showcase his talent to best advantage. I reccomend that you download Open Heart Zoo... it takes a bit of listening, and then suddenly something clicks. He's astounding. He played a mix of new stuff which was confident and definitely a step forward... sounded more like he was writing for himself than for an audience, and old stuff which sounded amazing acoustic. Best moment for me, I think, was "Push", which I've always loved and got quite a few of us singing. Definitely a good set, definitely one to watch out for if you possibly can- he's been quiet for entirely too long, and I hope this signals the start of more touring and recording.
The hair, though? Cut it, mate. *g*
There. That would be my weekend in digest form. Other highlights included finding nice jeans that fit me, cheese straws in Winchester, and speaking to Sophie. Overall? Good. Weird, but good.
The Talk
I spoke to my mum about being bisexual for the first time this weekend. I'm... actually a lot better about it than I was, because there was Initial Talk, in which there was Bad Reaction, and then there was Subsidiary Talk this morning. Essentially, when leaving the house, something was mentioned about falling in love with girls. It may have been the stupid grin on my face as I talked about going to Ireland. Regardless- essentially the reaction was "eew, disgusting, don't like girls just because you can't get a boyfriend."
Ouch.
I walked to the train station, attempting not to a) burst into tears, and b) hit something. Hard. It's the first time this subject has been broached with mum, because up until now it's never been an issue. Now, as you may have gathered, I'm rather hoping that it is. So I went to my mate Carrie's, drank white wine and vodka, watched velvet goldmine, and then wandered out about three in the morning. I felt so very emo, wandering the mean streets of Winchester, in the rain, feeling intensely sorry for myself. I ended up phoning
darthrami and sobbing down the phone at her... I'm sorry, lady. You have no idea how important that conversation was to me. Love you. Aaaaanyway. The general consensus seemed to be "screw your mum." Yeah, but... she's my mum!Anyway. I got up at 7:30 this morning and settled myself in the living room with a cup of tea and 'HMS Surprise', and then mum came in looking... a little nervous, actually. We proceeded to talk about it, at great length. She asked me if I was in love, and I said that yeah, I thought I was. The fact that I have yet to meet the other person means my mother has automatically dismissed that part of it, and that's probably for the best at the moment. As you may have noticed, I'm a little insecure about it, and I'd rather not have such things shredded.
Anyway. We discussed my feelings. She asked if it was because I can't get a boyfriend, and insinuated that it might well be the influence of the Uni crowd. Since I've fancied girls since I was 13, and have been comfortable in my bisexuality since 17 (what can I say, late bloomer), I informed her that no, that really wasn't the issue. She asked how come I've always fancied boys and not girls then, and I answered that... well, her initial reaction would be why I've not mentioned anything, really. I told her that I tend to fancy more men than women, and she decided that I'm not really bisexual then. Which started more discussion about grey areas.
Essentially, she wants me to be happy. Her conception of happy is husband and kids. Mine isn't. We've agreed to disagree, and hugged lots, and I think we're okay. I think that's essentially because she's decided I'm convinced [hahahaha "she's just a girl, she's just a girl, the girl you want"... my playlist has a sense of humour] that I'm bi, and that I'll grow out of it... but at least the issue is out there. It'll make it easier later. I feel pretty relieved. I love my mum, narrow minded as she is a times.
Thoughts on coming home again
I went to see Martin Grech at the Railway last night. More on him in a moment. First off, thoughts about locals and such.
See, at college, the Railway was the pub. We went there entirely too often; you went there, and you were guaranteed to see people that you knew. I was lucky enough to have a season train ticket, since I lived in another town and yet could still spend every night in Winchester.
People have moved on. That's the way it is. I went last night and saw a couple of people I recognised, but who now consider themselves too cool to speak to me. And yet...
They're cool because everyone knows them, and they're admired. The reason that everyone knows them is because they've not gone anywhere. They're in exactly the same place as they were three, four years ago. They wear the same clothes, because they know what works. They know barmen and bouncers, and because they've always been there and they've always been cool the new generaion of college kids end up admiring them. And these people revel in the hero worship.
I'd rather go somewhere new. If your cool is established... you don't have to try. You don't have to change. And change is a necessary part of life. I think that's part of the reason I switch fandoms so much. I'll never be a BNF. Partly because I really can't write all that well, and partly because I change so often and so much that I'd imagine I don't stay within peoples' reading tastes for long enough. First got a livejournal when I was all Pottered up, and now... not so much. I rarely read Potter fic, and apart from a couple of obligations, I'm not that inspired to write it so much. Moving into GO-er pastures. I will probably change entirely again in a few months. It makes life interesting.
There was a point to that, I swear. Hmmm. I think my point was that I'd rather be unknown in somewhere new and interesting than stay where it's safe. What's your perspective on it?
Martin Grech
Man. This man's voice... comparisons with Jeff Buckley are really not overstating the case. He has beautiful tone and amazing range, and is really good at writing songs that showcase his talent to best advantage. I reccomend that you download Open Heart Zoo... it takes a bit of listening, and then suddenly something clicks. He's astounding. He played a mix of new stuff which was confident and definitely a step forward... sounded more like he was writing for himself than for an audience, and old stuff which sounded amazing acoustic. Best moment for me, I think, was "Push", which I've always loved and got quite a few of us singing. Definitely a good set, definitely one to watch out for if you possibly can- he's been quiet for entirely too long, and I hope this signals the start of more touring and recording.
The hair, though? Cut it, mate. *g*
There. That would be my weekend in digest form. Other highlights included finding nice jeans that fit me, cheese straws in Winchester, and speaking to Sophie. Overall? Good. Weird, but good.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:09 am (UTC)I'm sorry she's not taking this as well as she could. Maybe she'll come around if you give her a bit of time to think.