My so-called weekend
Oct. 24th, 2004 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nnyIt's been... odd. Many ups and downs. Main bits, cut for rambling.
The Talk
I spoke to my mum about being bisexual for the first time this weekend. I'm... actually a lot better about it than I was, because there was Initial Talk, in which there was Bad Reaction, and then there was Subsidiary Talk this morning. Essentially, when leaving the house, something was mentioned about falling in love with girls. It may have been the stupid grin on my face as I talked about going to Ireland. Regardless- essentially the reaction was "eew, disgusting, don't like girls just because you can't get a boyfriend."
Ouch.
I walked to the train station, attempting not to a) burst into tears, and b) hit something. Hard. It's the first time this subject has been broached with mum, because up until now it's never been an issue. Now, as you may have gathered, I'm rather hoping that it is. So I went to my mate Carrie's, drank white wine and vodka, watched velvet goldmine, and then wandered out about three in the morning. I felt so very emo, wandering the mean streets of Winchester, in the rain, feeling intensely sorry for myself. I ended up phoning![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
darthrami and sobbing down the phone at her... I'm sorry, lady. You have no idea how important that conversation was to me. Love you. Aaaaanyway. The general consensus seemed to be "screw your mum." Yeah, but... she's my mum!
Anyway. I got up at 7:30 this morning and settled myself in the living room with a cup of tea and 'HMS Surprise', and then mum came in looking... a little nervous, actually. We proceeded to talk about it, at great length. She asked me if I was in love, and I said that yeah, I thought I was. The fact that I have yet to meet the other person means my mother has automatically dismissed that part of it, and that's probably for the best at the moment. As you may have noticed, I'm a little insecure about it, and I'd rather not have such things shredded.
Anyway. We discussed my feelings. She asked if it was because I can't get a boyfriend, and insinuated that it might well be the influence of the Uni crowd. Since I've fancied girls since I was 13, and have been comfortable in my bisexuality since 17 (what can I say, late bloomer), I informed her that no, that really wasn't the issue. She asked how come I've always fancied boys and not girls then, and I answered that... well, her initial reaction would be why I've not mentioned anything, really. I told her that I tend to fancy more men than women, and she decided that I'm not really bisexual then. Which started more discussion about grey areas.
Essentially, she wants me to be happy. Her conception of happy is husband and kids. Mine isn't. We've agreed to disagree, and hugged lots, and I think we're okay. I think that's essentially because she's decided I'm convinced [hahahaha "she's just a girl, she's just a girl, the girl you want"... my playlist has a sense of humour] that I'm bi, and that I'll grow out of it... but at least the issue is out there. It'll make it easier later. I feel pretty relieved. I love my mum, narrow minded as she is a times.
Thoughts on coming home again
I went to see Martin Grech at the Railway last night. More on him in a moment. First off, thoughts about locals and such.
See, at college, the Railway was the pub. We went there entirely too often; you went there, and you were guaranteed to see people that you knew. I was lucky enough to have a season train ticket, since I lived in another town and yet could still spend every night in Winchester.
People have moved on. That's the way it is. I went last night and saw a couple of people I recognised, but who now consider themselves too cool to speak to me. And yet...
They're cool because everyone knows them, and they're admired. The reason that everyone knows them is because they've not gone anywhere. They're in exactly the same place as they were three, four years ago. They wear the same clothes, because they know what works. They know barmen and bouncers, and because they've always been there and they've always been cool the new generaion of college kids end up admiring them. And these people revel in the hero worship.
I'd rather go somewhere new. If your cool is established... you don't have to try. You don't have to change. And change is a necessary part of life. I think that's part of the reason I switch fandoms so much. I'll never be a BNF. Partly because I really can't write all that well, and partly because I change so often and so much that I'd imagine I don't stay within peoples' reading tastes for long enough. First got a livejournal when I was all Pottered up, and now... not so much. I rarely read Potter fic, and apart from a couple of obligations, I'm not that inspired to write it so much. Moving into GO-er pastures. I will probably change entirely again in a few months. It makes life interesting.
There was a point to that, I swear. Hmmm. I think my point was that I'd rather be unknown in somewhere new and interesting than stay where it's safe. What's your perspective on it?
Martin Grech
Man. This man's voice... comparisons with Jeff Buckley are really not overstating the case. He has beautiful tone and amazing range, and is really good at writing songs that showcase his talent to best advantage. I reccomend that you download Open Heart Zoo... it takes a bit of listening, and then suddenly something clicks. He's astounding. He played a mix of new stuff which was confident and definitely a step forward... sounded more like he was writing for himself than for an audience, and old stuff which sounded amazing acoustic. Best moment for me, I think, was "Push", which I've always loved and got quite a few of us singing. Definitely a good set, definitely one to watch out for if you possibly can- he's been quiet for entirely too long, and I hope this signals the start of more touring and recording.
The hair, though? Cut it, mate. *g*
There. That would be my weekend in digest form. Other highlights included finding nice jeans that fit me, cheese straws in Winchester, and speaking to Sophie. Overall? Good. Weird, but good.
The Talk
I spoke to my mum about being bisexual for the first time this weekend. I'm... actually a lot better about it than I was, because there was Initial Talk, in which there was Bad Reaction, and then there was Subsidiary Talk this morning. Essentially, when leaving the house, something was mentioned about falling in love with girls. It may have been the stupid grin on my face as I talked about going to Ireland. Regardless- essentially the reaction was "eew, disgusting, don't like girls just because you can't get a boyfriend."
Ouch.
I walked to the train station, attempting not to a) burst into tears, and b) hit something. Hard. It's the first time this subject has been broached with mum, because up until now it's never been an issue. Now, as you may have gathered, I'm rather hoping that it is. So I went to my mate Carrie's, drank white wine and vodka, watched velvet goldmine, and then wandered out about three in the morning. I felt so very emo, wandering the mean streets of Winchester, in the rain, feeling intensely sorry for myself. I ended up phoning
darthrami and sobbing down the phone at her... I'm sorry, lady. You have no idea how important that conversation was to me. Love you. Aaaaanyway. The general consensus seemed to be "screw your mum." Yeah, but... she's my mum!Anyway. I got up at 7:30 this morning and settled myself in the living room with a cup of tea and 'HMS Surprise', and then mum came in looking... a little nervous, actually. We proceeded to talk about it, at great length. She asked me if I was in love, and I said that yeah, I thought I was. The fact that I have yet to meet the other person means my mother has automatically dismissed that part of it, and that's probably for the best at the moment. As you may have noticed, I'm a little insecure about it, and I'd rather not have such things shredded.
Anyway. We discussed my feelings. She asked if it was because I can't get a boyfriend, and insinuated that it might well be the influence of the Uni crowd. Since I've fancied girls since I was 13, and have been comfortable in my bisexuality since 17 (what can I say, late bloomer), I informed her that no, that really wasn't the issue. She asked how come I've always fancied boys and not girls then, and I answered that... well, her initial reaction would be why I've not mentioned anything, really. I told her that I tend to fancy more men than women, and she decided that I'm not really bisexual then. Which started more discussion about grey areas.
Essentially, she wants me to be happy. Her conception of happy is husband and kids. Mine isn't. We've agreed to disagree, and hugged lots, and I think we're okay. I think that's essentially because she's decided I'm convinced [hahahaha "she's just a girl, she's just a girl, the girl you want"... my playlist has a sense of humour] that I'm bi, and that I'll grow out of it... but at least the issue is out there. It'll make it easier later. I feel pretty relieved. I love my mum, narrow minded as she is a times.
Thoughts on coming home again
I went to see Martin Grech at the Railway last night. More on him in a moment. First off, thoughts about locals and such.
See, at college, the Railway was the pub. We went there entirely too often; you went there, and you were guaranteed to see people that you knew. I was lucky enough to have a season train ticket, since I lived in another town and yet could still spend every night in Winchester.
People have moved on. That's the way it is. I went last night and saw a couple of people I recognised, but who now consider themselves too cool to speak to me. And yet...
They're cool because everyone knows them, and they're admired. The reason that everyone knows them is because they've not gone anywhere. They're in exactly the same place as they were three, four years ago. They wear the same clothes, because they know what works. They know barmen and bouncers, and because they've always been there and they've always been cool the new generaion of college kids end up admiring them. And these people revel in the hero worship.
I'd rather go somewhere new. If your cool is established... you don't have to try. You don't have to change. And change is a necessary part of life. I think that's part of the reason I switch fandoms so much. I'll never be a BNF. Partly because I really can't write all that well, and partly because I change so often and so much that I'd imagine I don't stay within peoples' reading tastes for long enough. First got a livejournal when I was all Pottered up, and now... not so much. I rarely read Potter fic, and apart from a couple of obligations, I'm not that inspired to write it so much. Moving into GO-er pastures. I will probably change entirely again in a few months. It makes life interesting.
There was a point to that, I swear. Hmmm. I think my point was that I'd rather be unknown in somewhere new and interesting than stay where it's safe. What's your perspective on it?
Martin Grech
Man. This man's voice... comparisons with Jeff Buckley are really not overstating the case. He has beautiful tone and amazing range, and is really good at writing songs that showcase his talent to best advantage. I reccomend that you download Open Heart Zoo... it takes a bit of listening, and then suddenly something clicks. He's astounding. He played a mix of new stuff which was confident and definitely a step forward... sounded more like he was writing for himself than for an audience, and old stuff which sounded amazing acoustic. Best moment for me, I think, was "Push", which I've always loved and got quite a few of us singing. Definitely a good set, definitely one to watch out for if you possibly can- he's been quiet for entirely too long, and I hope this signals the start of more touring and recording.
The hair, though? Cut it, mate. *g*
There. That would be my weekend in digest form. Other highlights included finding nice jeans that fit me, cheese straws in Winchester, and speaking to Sophie. Overall? Good. Weird, but good.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 10:13 am (UTC)Sorry, rambling. I hope it works out between you, I'm sure it will. She probably needs some time to get used to it.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:03 am (UTC)Thanks for the comment. I think... well, my mum's come a long way, really, considering how bloody racist my grandad is. THey're both great people, they just have these opinions that grate. I'll get her over it.
Cheers for the support. *g*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:09 am (UTC)I'm sorry she's not taking this as well as she could. Maybe she'll come around if you give her a bit of time to think.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:32 am (UTC)Her girlfriend of three years was passed off as "the best friend" -- when they broke up, this meant that the ex-girlfriend was still invited to major graduation party things, "because best friends shouldn't drift apart." Awkward.
Flashforward three years: the ex-girlfriend is now the maid of honor at this friend's June wedding... to a man. I haven't been in close enough touch to know whether she loves him or just what he represents (either is possible), but it breaks my heart to think that she's kept so many years and people in her life a secret from those she loves most.
This is for her, I think, a nail in the coffin of a whole part of her life she refuses to acknowledge, because it could hurt her family and upset her pretty little life as a teacher in Virginia.
And if she didn't tell him about the women she's loved, I don't imagine the marriage will last. Compartmentalization is no good, IMHO.
*ahem* /random vent
This is all by way of saying -- I'm proud of you.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 11:45 am (UTC)Well Done
Date: 2004-10-24 11:57 am (UTC)And it seems so weird, that a part of me just wishes they did... For however many years of bottling so much up, stressing over what they would do or say if they found out . . . And then I finally grapple the courage and conviction to actually say? Nothing. They don't... Care. And it's odd when it affects one so deeply, one starts to wish it was the other way round, that they would at least... Say something(!)
But then again I have a friend... Girlfriend, for whom it's the other way around, and that just makes her life so difficult... And one almost starts to feel guilty...
But I don't know... What kind of a world is it where sexuality becomes the be all and end all of so much of one's life??
[And by the way; I feel I should apologise for the last comment I left, I didn't mean it to sound crass or abrupt; I just feel absurdly happy for you, and Sophie. I don't know why, and I really shouldn't use words like 'sweet' or 'cute' to describe it, it's just... Great. I'm happy for you. Even though I don't know you. Even though you don't know me... And when random strangers start wishing you luck and happiness... Well that's got to say something, hasn't it? And I do. I wish you and Sophie all the hope and happiness in the world. Don't know why; just do. [So... There.] *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 12:54 pm (UTC)1. I'm so proud of you. And of your Mum for coming to her senses; at least as much as she can for now... Knowing to some degree what she's like, I think she's made a big step forward. I'm glad that the inevitable bad reaction wore off, and I'm sure you know that given time her initial reservations and remaining denial will no doubt do the same. Was it raining in Winchester this weekend? Christ for some weird reason thinking of you there in the rain made me miss it for the first time in aaaaaages. And because I'm So Far Away I feel...a little sad.
2. But now I'm reminded why I don't miss it at all. What you said about the Railway and Winch people in general? I second that. And some. I bet I can guess who you're referring to as well... But then we always said that it was the most inbred place on Earth. I've never understood how your 'cool' can be increased by remaining so heart-breakingly static in such an incredibly small city: never getting out, never doing anything, never meeting anyone new. Working the same dead end job and claiming to be "going somewhere" but really going nowhere: just like you were 5 years ago... They all say they're gonna leave and make something of themselves (aren't they all going to be 'Rock Stars'?) but everytime I go back, there they are still.
It's desperately sad.
3. Martin Grech. I ache now that I know you went to see him this weekend... Last time I saw him was almost a year ago at the Joiners, and he was So Fucking Shit Hot. The new material sounded incredible (is Robin 'formerly of Rachel Stamp' Guy still drumming for him?) and the old stuff (YES - "Push" is painfully beautiful when you're stood in front of that man) is astounding on the acoustic front. I've been wondering when he'll get his act together and bring out some new material.
I miss gigs...
Sorry, this is really long and probably pointless. But keep smiling honey.
I miss you.
xxx
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 01:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 01:25 pm (UTC)You can't, of course, turn your back on your family. They're yours, no matter what, and they're a chunk of you. You learn the gentle art of balance, and find your happiness with them in separate times and places, if need be. And some of your family you lose, yes, but you lean a bit on the woman you love, and it's okay.
It's hard, but it's not comfortless. We're here.
Cos living your life faked, as Em said, it's not worth it at all.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 01:42 pm (UTC)I don't really have anything new or helpful to add here, but *hugs*, and I'm so happy you got this out to her so that you know she still loves you. Yeah, my mum blows being bi off as a phase too, even though I came out to her more than 10 years ago. It'll be all right.
^_^
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 01:50 pm (UTC)This is, unfortunately, why I haven't told mine anything yet. Some days, it's all I can do not to be paranoid, and other days, I ask myself who I think I'm fooling: I've only dated one guy seriously, and yes, it was a wonderful relationship (I will even hazard to say that sometimes I miss him), but I'm currently in a relationship with a women, and I've been happy in it, too. I don't like labeling myself, and I imagine you feel irritation at having to do so as well. I don't understand the world; labels make it more difficult, yet labels are exactly what most of the world insists upon. Enough to drive you mad *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 02:05 pm (UTC)...You know, at least part of the Girlfriend Announcement fear stems from me being afraid that they'll laugh not because I have a girlfriend, but at the idea that I have a [preposition]friend at all. I can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing...
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 02:48 pm (UTC)>:D<
I'm glad it went as well as it did with your mum, and I wish it had gone even better. It could have been loads worse, believe me. When my best friend came out to her family, they disowned her. She had to put her college tuition, which was $30,000.00, on a credit card that semester, because it was too late to apply for loans.
Plus there was the whole not having a family anymore thing.
So yeah. I'm glad for you and sad for you and I love you. >:D
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 03:07 pm (UTC)Going to figure out the international calling (surely not that difficult? but am technologically inept :D) on my cell so we can talk.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 04:39 pm (UTC)But I love you, man. *the Internet hugs, there is no end to them. One day you will drown in a sea of love. Happily.*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 05:57 pm (UTC)You're my hero. I never really managed to scrape up the courage to have The Talk with either of my parents. I'm sorry your mom didn't react the best, but maybe with time she'll get used to it? And if not, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you're happy, and I wish you all the best :-)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 07:59 pm (UTC)You get only the one life. You're right to try and make the best of it. *points to other comments* Well, they've said it much better than I, so I'll just - send you much love, and hug you lots. Go for it, Nny.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-24 10:10 pm (UTC)The Talk can be an immensely hard and scary thing -- about anything that's important to you, really, let alone something so fundamental to your self as your sexuality, and something that gives you as much joy as this. I'm so very proud and impressed with your courage.
As others have said, and better than I, what matters most is that you are happy and true to yourself. Your mom, I think, does want you to be happy, and is just taking time to realize that you know better than she what that entails. Don't doubt your own judgement because of it. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-25 12:40 am (UTC)No sorries, darling. None, okay? I'm just glad I helped, as I was dead exhausted. You're fabulous, and you can call me any time, even if it's 3am and pouring. Perhaps especially then.
But even if you don't have the proper glasses. ;-)
I'm glad things seemed to go a bit better this morning. Many many hugs go to you.