(no subject)

[nny]

I never used to catch my own eye in the mirror. Or, second option, I'd lean close enough that my eyes were all I could see. Try to decide if they were green or blue or grey, tilt my head slowly from one side to the other and look at the way they gently roll. It was okay if it was shapes. It was okay if I seperated it into the shapes that made up my face, it was easier to deal with then.

The occasional break from that was almost worse. The times when I left the house thinking... hey. I actually look okay. Good, even. Days when I left the house and didn't mind when people looked at me, didn't immediately assume that everyone and anyone laughing in my vicinity was laughing at me.

It's a very special kind of arrogance.

Those days were worse because of the mirrors, later, that told me the truth. The mirrors in the ladies that I wouldn't be able to avoid, the ones that made me sit in the cubicle and lock the door and try to breathe past the sick feeling in my stomach for a while. And then I'd go out and drink until I fell over and made people laugh and couldn't even see the mirrors any more.

But I'm getting better. Little by little.

I make an effort, now. I make an effort to look in mirrors every day and not feel guilty about it. I make the effort to look in the mirror and tell myself it's okay to do that, that I'm not wasting my time, that no one else in the vicinity is privately sniggering, wondering why the hell I would even bother. I look in mirrors every day and most of the time I think I look pretty okay. Sometimes I look really good, actually, and while it's still a surprise at least I've stopped telling myself it's a trick of the light.

Reflections in shop windows still surprise me, sometimes. Still catch me unawares and make me feel a little sick, but I'm getting better.

Little by little.




I'm sorry that sometimes I talk too much, and do too many memes, and require constant validation. I think I'm starting to get to a point where I can actually believe in myself, sometimes, just... it's difficult. But right now, I'm doing okay.

Comments

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweet. I appreciate the comment. :)

[josepheenie.livejournal.com]

no problem. I tend to comment on heartfelt posts if they relate to me. Sometimes it's that it's a relief to know it is not just me that gets like it, or wanting to tell other people it isn't just them. (oh this makes sense in my mind)

Sorry if I seem pushy, it's just that you and I are both kinda killing time in the same city. We may get on, we may not, and although I do have housemates here, you can never know too many people :D