Just being a failure, having to work a desk job all my life, never really being competent at anything.
You know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to be disabled or on welfare and not have much money but not have to do anything for it either. That's so embarrassing to admit and belittling to people who are on disability, but it's true. Mostly because I don't trust myself to ever earn a living on my own merit.
Okay, really really really genuinely know the feeling. I have felt like that for most of my life, especially my realistic moments when I accept the fact I'm never going to write anything good. But then one day it just clicked for me - that I wanted to be a teacher - and since then everything's been drifting me in the right direction.
I pretty much believe in a kind of Taoist perspective, from what I understand about it. If you're headed in the right direction, life'll let you know. And if you're not, try something else.
About the desk job thing? I know, that scared me too. What might help is taking a look at a job search website or something, take a look at the huge variety of jobs that are available. Like, my friend's doing a Masters in environmental engineering. My other friend's looking into doing a Masters in conservation, doing a hands-on job that way. It's amazing how many jobs you don't even know exist until you look for them.
That's what scares me, I think. I've looked and applied and looked and applied. I have a Master's already. Nobody wants to hire me for the job I want to do, I guess.
Maybe you're going about it the wrong way. Have you used the same approach every time you've applied? Maybe rewrite your CV, try emphasising different things in an interview. Try and work out what it is they want and aren't getting, maybe.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2006-11-28 11:34 pm (UTC)You know what I'd really like to do? I'd like to be disabled or on welfare and not have much money but not have to do anything for it either. That's so embarrassing to admit and belittling to people who are on disability, but it's true. Mostly because I don't trust myself to ever earn a living on my own merit.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-28 11:40 pm (UTC)I pretty much believe in a kind of Taoist perspective, from what I understand about it. If you're headed in the right direction, life'll let you know. And if you're not, try something else.
About the desk job thing? I know, that scared me too. What might help is taking a look at a job search website or something, take a look at the huge variety of jobs that are available. Like, my friend's doing a Masters in environmental engineering. My other friend's looking into doing a Masters in conservation, doing a hands-on job that way. It's amazing how many jobs you don't even know exist until you look for them.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-28 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-29 06:31 am (UTC)