I think it has to do with conditioning yourself to a completely different mindset when encountering others. What it sounds like, when you read between the lines, is that you're trying to resign yourself to disappointment in others. Maybe the thing to try to do is to focus not so much on what people aren't able to do for you and with you, but on what people can do.
I mean, for example: I cannot freakin make you a pretty layout as you have done for me so many times. Believe me. I have stared at Dreamweaver until my eyes bled, and I have read tutorials, and I have scoured the Photoshop classroom in a book for weeks on end trying to learn the things you know, and trying to retain them. But that is not a talent that I have latently resting in me, so it's all extremely hard, and I realized. I can write you pretty things. I can talk smack and crack and whatever for hours. And I can be there when you're down and out as well as when you're up. So maybe the things I can do aren't as tangible as the things you can do, but they do exist, and they are valid, and they do contribute.
Maybe when you're feeling this way, sitting down and listing the great things about your friends would help? I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or a counselor. But it's just something I thought of.
Maybe you're obliquely onto something there - it might be something to do with the kind of freakish hyperfocus I get. So if, to take the example and run with it, there was a team layout competition, I would throw myself into it, and the layout competition would be the only thing in the world that matters ever, and therefore anyone on my layout team who falls down on layouting is worthless (and then: they're not bothering because they hate me and so on and so forth, as above).
(And then conversely, if I am... on a rounders team, and can't run fast enough to catch the ball, because the game is the only thing in the world that matters ever, I am worthless, and everyone must hate me, so blah blah blah.)
All of this goes to show that I majored in the wrong thing in college. But I knew that.
I can think of examples more close to home, but this is a public venue. But yes. I think that within a certain social structure which shall remain oblique, you fulfill a role. That role tends to be more back end stuff like layouty and maintenance. You're good at it, you rock it out, and you get it done -- in fact, you get things done that no one else can get done, and I don't know if you realize that. Nobody has the skills you have. Conversely, there are others who excel at front-end tasks that tend, from my observations, to drive you slightly batshit. So maybe looking at it that way, instead of looking critically at your peers for not doing the things you do, is the way into a better relationship all around.
If you know that much about yourself -- I strongly suggest that you try and do something about it. It's a very good thing that you're aware of it, and I am sure you can act on it somehow.
Trust me on this, expecting too much from yourself or other people will make your life HELL. I'm not even thinking of the other people right now (though I bristle at the implications of what you said about Nny), I'm just thinking of YOU.
People will end up running away from you if you are never satisfied with what they can willingly give you, because it will get too hard for them to be the person you want them to be, and it will never be enough anyways. (I know what I am saying: my mum is like that, only she is not aware of it. Why do you think I moved away from her, as far away as I could without falling off the planet?)
And on a side note, regarding what you said to Nny?
OK, so there is this: from my point of view (admittedly I don't know you well, but I am twice your age and I have more life experience than you do so -- I'll give you my point of view anyways.) people who are in pain find ways to deal with the pain. And I think that for you, Milliways is often a priority in that it helps you get through difficult moment. You play BECAUSE you are in pain in RL and somehow it helps you along.
Whereas I think Nny might still be trying to follow up on all her commitments DESPITE the pain.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2006-11-29 03:53 pm (UTC)I mean, for example: I cannot freakin make you a pretty layout as you have done for me so many times. Believe me. I have stared at Dreamweaver until my eyes bled, and I have read tutorials, and I have scoured the Photoshop classroom in a book for weeks on end trying to learn the things you know, and trying to retain them. But that is not a talent that I have latently resting in me, so it's all extremely hard, and I realized. I can write you pretty things. I can talk smack and crack and whatever for hours. And I can be there when you're down and out as well as when you're up. So maybe the things I can do aren't as tangible as the things you can do, but they do exist, and they are valid, and they do contribute.
Maybe when you're feeling this way, sitting down and listing the great things about your friends would help? I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or a counselor. But it's just something I thought of.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-29 04:03 pm (UTC)(And then conversely, if I am... on a rounders team, and can't run fast enough to catch the ball, because the game is the only thing in the world that matters ever, I am worthless, and everyone must hate me, so blah blah blah.)
no subject
Date: 2006-11-29 04:09 pm (UTC)I can think of examples more close to home, but this is a public venue. But yes. I think that within a certain social structure which shall remain oblique, you fulfill a role. That role tends to be more back end stuff like layouty and maintenance. You're good at it, you rock it out, and you get it done -- in fact, you get things done that no one else can get done, and I don't know if you realize that. Nobody has the skills you have. Conversely, there are others who excel at front-end tasks that tend, from my observations, to drive you slightly batshit. So maybe looking at it that way, instead of looking critically at your peers for not doing the things you do, is the way into a better relationship all around.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 09:52 pm (UTC)Trust me on this, expecting too much from yourself or other people will make your life HELL. I'm not even thinking of the other people right now (though I bristle at the implications of what you said about Nny), I'm just thinking of YOU.
People will end up running away from you if you are never satisfied with what they can willingly give you, because it will get too hard for them to be the person you want them to be, and it will never be enough anyways. (I know what I am saying: my mum is like that, only she is not aware of it. Why do you think I moved away from her, as far away as I could without falling off the planet?)
And on a side note, regarding what you said to Nny?
OK, so there is this: from my point of view (admittedly I don't know you well, but I am twice your age and I have more life experience than you do so -- I'll give you my point of view anyways.) people who are in pain find ways to deal with the pain. And I think that for you, Milliways is often a priority in that it helps you get through difficult moment. You play BECAUSE you are in pain in RL and somehow it helps you along.
Whereas I think Nny might still be trying to follow up on all her commitments DESPITE the pain.
And that makes a huge difference.
Just my two cents.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-30 10:04 pm (UTC)Thanks for saying what I should have realised I meant, darlin'.
(And I still intend to respond to your email, dear. Love you.)
no subject
Date: 2006-12-02 01:05 am (UTC)Don't worry -- you have other fish to fry, and your hands hurt, and it's not a very interesting email anyways.
I do miss talking to you, though. Love you too. :-*