(no subject)

[nny]

Anon commenting on, IP logging off.

Tell me a secret.

Comments

[sophistry]

I'd been thinking about making a heavily filtered post about this for a few days, mostly because it's been gnawing at my insides and I felt like I just had to get it out there, rather than just keep stewing in my own poison.

But then this popped up on my friendslist, and... I dunno. Seems to me that if it's anything, it's a sign. And I think I'd prefer to be honest with you now - you know me and how I nurse things.

I've been finding it... increasingly difficult to interact with you lately, notably since a little bit after the arthritis kicked in. It's that, you know, I went through the same thing two years back - the arthritis, the massive hair loss, the complete death of appetite - and you'd think, if anything, that would make me more sympathetic. Ahaha. :/

Actually, what tends to happen is that, even though I know from experience how agonising it is, every time you give it as a reason for bailing on a conversation, or dropping a thread, or not doing something you said you'd do, I just... I wig out. I see red, and all I can think is I never dropped the ball when I was going through this, I always got everything done, I never got no doctors that were at least trying to give me pain meds, I never got no sick-note, I just had to suck it up and go to class and get everything done, and I never moaned so much about it, though hell, maybe I should have, cos I never got no flist-clubbing-in feel-better presents, and I suffered the consequences of my stiff upper lip and I had a breakdown that winter and I nearly failed out of class and so on and so forth. And the extent of it is just... unbelievable, and it keeps coming until I feel like I'm choking on my own fucking bile.

And I just. I know under even the best of circumstances, I am a cunt with a sense of entitlement, but.

How repulsive even is that?

I'm mad at you basically because you're getting better medical treatment.

Anyway, I dunno. There you have it. It's not an excuse for my behaviour, but I guess it's an explanation. Maybe it won't rot my insides so much now, from bottling it up. I just still feel like such an ugly person right now.

I'm sorry.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I have no idea how to respond to that. It doesn't surprise me particularly, but. Um. I guess I'll get back to you later.

[(Anonymous)]

I am a cunt with a sense of entitlement

Yes, you are.

I've thought that for a long time, actually -- I guess that's my secret.

[tropes.livejournal.com]

I'm not going anonymous like the douche above me, because I respect you more than that.

It's clear that this is painful for you, and this is the worst venue ever to respond, but I feel, ha, entitled to, after having a run-in with this side of you not so long ago. If you don't find a way to get over this irrational self-righteous martyrdom you're pulling lately and claw your way into an even mildly empathetic state of mind, then... I don't know what.

It's not just about Nny. It's incredibly hurtful to see this coming from you, because every time we have an argument or discussion, I keep thinking you're going to step back and say, 'Gosh. You know, I'm pretty awesome for doing the things that I do. I'm talented and clever and rare. It's completely unfair for me to hold others to the standards to which I hold myself, because our talents and situations are completely different, and my standards are too high even for me."

But I don't know if that's ever gonna happen. I wish it would.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

You hold yourself to impossible standards, we both know that, and it always distresses me when you do because the things you do achieve are so impressive. Not to mention the fact that you would have a hell of a lot more fun and a hell of a lot less stress, both in Milliways and in RL, if you didn't.

You don't get to hold me to those standards, too. It's not fair. It never has been. All it's ever done is make me feel like shit.

Your posting this has seriously rocked me and I don't know how to deal with it.

[(Anonymous)]

This comes across less as confession and apology than as an attempt, even if subconscious, to make Nny feel guilty because she's not handling a difficult illness as well as you believe that you did. The irrational self-righteous martyrdom is clear. What's not clear is why you felt it necessary to be an irrational self-righteous martyr in what you claim is an apology to the person you've hurt with this behavior.

If you needed to vent about the specific ugliness of your behavior to someone, I don't think anyone would fault you for that. But why did you choose to do so where it could continue to hurt Nny? Why use details that would inevitably make her feel upset and guilty? Why try to make your irrational response her problem too?

If I'd seen a post from you saying something along the lines of "I'm having irrational responses to your medical issues because of painful comparisons to my own. I'm sorry and I'm working on it." I would have had sympathy and respect for that. It's honest, but not the kind of "I want to be honest" that allows people to rationalize sharing hurtful information that may make them feel better but makes the recipient feel worse.

This seems like just more of the problem disguised as an attempt at a solution.

(frozen)

[(Anonymous)]

I am a cunt with a sense of entitlement

So much so. Starting with this fucking confessional thing to make yourself feel better and Nny worse, and moving backwards.

[(Anonymous)]

Everyone thinks I'm madly successful. I've gotten through this far in academia -- years and years of college and grad school, with more years yet to go -- and I keep feeling like a fraud. Like I'm not an expert in my field, like I don't know anywhere near as much as I ought to know, like I'm only pretending to be the brilliant scholar and someday people will find out how much I don't know.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

It's a common feeling. If you're fooling everyone, though, what does it matter? >:D

[copperbadge.livejournal.com]

There's a name for it, in fact -- "Imposter Syndrome". It's particularly endemic to graduate and postgraduate students. Google it, you'll be surprised!

(I, and nearly everyone I knew in grad school, felt this way.)

[dopplegl.livejournal.com]

I sometimes feel like I'm still in high school, longing to be popular and well-liked. This causes me to have horrible self-esteem.

Also: I'm still feel horribly guilty about that thing I did and am constantly thanking the gods that you forgave me and still love me.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

You are popular and well liked, doofus.

And, for the record? I had to think for a second there to think what the hell 'that thing you did' was. So really, sweetie, don't worry about it. I love you.

[liz666.livejournal.com]

I think you know all my secrets. I feel like a failure every day. Plus, I'm convinced that I not only will never be in love again, I will never ever have any sex again in this lifetime. So spend most days hugely frustrated.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND WILL TOTALLY GET LAID AGAIN! I PROMISE!

Also? You're about as far from 'failure' as it's possible to get. I admire your strength so much. You're fabulous and you achieve so much and you have brought up the most gorgeous daughter you possibly could have and you're a big silly and I love you.

[(Anonymous)]

I want to be a guy for one day just to see how the other half lives.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

BUTTSEX!

*ahem*

[(Anonymous)]

A good portion of the time I'm more afraid of success than I am of failing.

[(Anonymous)]

I get that.

[(Anonymous)]

I wish the mods had asked for help back when things were somewhat more manageable; now I worry about things not happening at all as opposed to simply worrying about them happening in a timely manner.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Um, if this is Milliways related, we do have an email address for muns to raise concerns, as well as an anonymun email address that you can post from. Considering I've just spent the past three days processing apps in the time I'm free from my (y'know, paying) full time job, I can't say I'm overjoyed by this.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm female, and I'm attracted to men far more than to women. So I must be straight, right?

But inside, I'm a guy. And I've always found myself attracted to gay guys more than to straight guys.

I've been told I'm just using this as a twisted way to avoid commitment, but that doesn't feel right. Does anyone else feel this way, I wonder?

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yes, other people feel that way. Not me personally, but it's definitely something that you'll find like minds to talk to about, if that's what you want. Google transgender groups, I guess?

People always sneer at things they don't understand, I wouldn't worry about it. My mum told me not to fancy girls because I couldn't get a boyfriend. XD

[(Anonymous)]

i am more or less permanently scared that people want me to fuck off because i cling too much, show up too much.

On a not unrelated note, i have just discovered the joys of being so angry i come out in a sweat and nausea- over someone i've never even met.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

For the record? I don't want anyone to fuck off. If you were worried.

And I'm sorry about the anger thing, that sounds sucky. I don't tend to get angry - I can get pissed off, but I don't have the stamina for proper anger. XD

[(Anonymous)]

This is a little similar to what dopplegl said, but not quite the same: I feel like I'm doing just exactly what I did in high school, just sort of going along with everything that happens, staying on the fringe of groups because it's where I'm most comfortable, and not doing anything that matters. And if I keep doing this, then maybe I'll end up living my whole life that way -- just drifting, never actually making any worthwhile contributions, and when I die it'll be like I never existed, because I never mattered.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I know this feeling intimately. I guess the only thing you can do is find something that matters - to you, if not to anyone else - and have a go at that. Work in a charity shop or volunteer for a conservation charity or something. If that's not right... well, is it that you want to be noticed, is that the point? Because you do matter, I guarantee you matter far more than you imagine to the people around you, the people who read your journal, your family, whatever.

[(Anonymous)]

I am not going to get through college.

I know this.

I also know I am a spoiled child, and I let my significant other take care of me. I am apathetic as all hell, and I fear this is never going to change.

Also, my mother is dying. Slowly. I don't know if I'm more afraid of her actually dying, or her hanging on until she's a complete drooling shell of her former self.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Oh, darlin'.

I'll be back with helpful advice and stuff like that when I'm more awake, but... Oh, darlin'.

*hugs tight*

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

By the way, if you like this stuff, try textsecret.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was younger I was active and successful. But I had a breakdown, and now I can't work and am on Disability. For the past few years I have been able to just pass it off as depression. But in the 90's I was psychotic. I made several attempts to kill myself, at least one of which very nearly did me in. I self-mutilated. I had periods where I would lie on the couch in the same position so long I got bedsores. During a two year period I spent more time in psychiatric hospitals than I did at home.

I'm afraid that if all the friends I've made on line the past five years knew how sick I was, they would treat me differently. I still just want to be treated like any other person and accepted for what I am now, but I feel like I'm hiding my past from everybody.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

I don't think I would. And if I did - different is not always a bad thing. I mean, I always personally want to know as much about people as I can, and learning something like this about someone's past would just impress me at how far they'd come, y'know? Obviously the choice is yours, and I do completely understand your reasoning behind it, but people are generally far more gracious than you suspect they will be, if you give them the chance.

[tiltingheartand]

For all that I cried at the time, I'm glad that they -- in a sense -- rejected me. It means I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Certainty is definitely better than the opposite - at least you know where you stand. Still... *hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

Before I say this, let me say emphatically that I am NOT suicidal. (Wow, are you reassured yet? Umm.)

But sometimes I think that dying young would really be the most comprehensive solution. Like, if I were run over by a bus tomorrow? No more angsting over life goals, no more dealing with people, no more trying to explain all my bizarre contradictions.

Except then my parents would get my computer, and find the pr0n, and have heart attacks.

[villainny.livejournal.com]

Yes. I know the feeling. Not so much now as when I was a little younger, and hugely unsure about what I was going to be doing with my life, but yes.

Me, I got a career plan suddenly and without searching for it at all. And now I can see myself months, years down the line where I never could before. It always scared me when I couldn't see a future for myself, and then it was there, and it was okay. And dealing with people? I'm getting better at that as I work out how I tick myself.

So I say give it time. It'll seem less like a decent solution as things change.

[agonistes]

I tried posting this anonymously but I can't do it from my computer. OOPS.

I'm also somebody who has a crush on a girl, and I'm not freaked out about that. I don't plan to do anything about it. It is what it is.

What I'm freaked out about is the fact that I'm...not freaked out about having a crush on a girl, and I feel like I should be. But I'm not.

It's really weird.

*hugs* :D!

[villainny.livejournal.com]

When it first happened to me... or. Actually, when I first admitted it happened to me, 'cos there was a bit of repression there first, which I guess undermines my point. I was gonna say I was okay about it when I was 18 and working behind a bar and just got a really strong feeling of 'yes, I would like to sleep with that woman' but then I remembered falling in love with my friend when I was about 11 and getting a bit freaked out about it. XD I've definitely got more gay as I get older, so I guess allowing myself to be bi has made more of a difference than I'd thought. My biggest fear was always my mum finding out, so telling her did me a lot of good, even though it visibly makes her nervous.

And enough rambling about me! Girls are pretty, pretty things and breasts are just fabulous. You're lucky in that you've got the whole slashy-livejournal-friendslist thing, which makes realisations like this a hell of a lot easier, I've found. I mean, I didn't have livejournal when I faced the fact I was bi, but I had been in fandom since I was 13, so I grew up with this really skewed perspective (according to society) about how relatively okay gayness was. So I was like... hunh. Okay! Where my mum was like... I don't want your life to be difficult! D:

So yeah... I talk to much about myself, who's surprised? All I will say further to that is that I'm totally all for it. Obviously. I vote for sticking your face in her cleavage. :D!

[(Anonymous)]

i'm halfway between crushing on and falling for my best friend at school and i don't know what to do.